BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Super Bowl today is a match-up between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers in Dallas.
The record-low temperatures and electricity outages didn’t stop the party.
Dancers all week got $100 tips for stripping down to their long johns.
The Pittsburgh Steelers will attempt to win the team’s seventh Lombardi Trophy at Cowboys Stadium in Dallas today.
However, for the first time there’ll be no cheerleaders prancing along the sideline.
Ben Roethlisberger’s restraining order says five hundred feet.  
Muslim Brotherhood leaders demanded a role in Egypt’s next regime Friday. They raise money through merchandise sales.
They sell a Muslim Brotherhood talking Barbie but nobody knows what she says because nobody’s got the nerve to pull the string.
President Obama was ripped in Israel Thursday for calling for immediate regime change in Egypt.
The Israelis have the best intelligence on Egypt.
They don’t agree with the American assessment that there are weapons of mass destruction inside the Sphinx.
The Egyptian Army began rounding up Western journalists Thursday by chasing them off the streets of Cairo and herding them into their hotel rooms. The reporters were not very happy.
There was nothing in the mini-bars but goat’s milk and cigarettes.
Obama preached unity at the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday and he thanked Republicans for sitting with Democrats during his the State of the Union speech. It was a major moment. It took 56 years after Rosa Parks to integrate Washington D.C.
Michelle Obama applauded Charlotte’s selection as host city for the Democratic Convention Thursday, saying it’s famous for barbecue.
It’s not.
The reason they wanted to praise the BBQ is they don’t want people to think that pork is against the president’s religion.
The Weather Channel said Friday that Chicago’s blizzard Tuesday was the city’s third heaviest snowfall in recorded history. It may take weeks to melt.
There is so much snow in Chicago that Rod Blagojevich is trying to trade a U.S. Senate seat for a snow blower.
Charles Manson was caught using a cell phone inside his prison cell Thursday by the guards at San Quentin. The guards caught Manson just in time. Everyone just loves the iPhone’s brand-new app for emptying the prisons and overthrowing the government.   
Camille Grammar told CNN about her marriage break-up with Kelsey Grammar Friday, saying he became too busy watching Fox News to cuddle with her.
What an idiot.
She’s got no shot at alimony if she ruins his career in Hollywood by outing him as a conservative.
Taco Bell was hit by a lawsuit last week alleging it doesn’t use real meat inside the tacos they sell. The lawsuit had an instant impact on their marketing. Taco Bell ads now end with a disclaimer stating that No Animals Were Harmed in the Manufacture of Our Tacos.  
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)