HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
South African Olympic star Oscar Pistorius told a judge he accidentally shot and killed his supermodel girlfriend through his bathroom door. We get new details every day. The most surprising thing the detectives uncovered is that it didn’t happen in Los Angeles.
Oscar Pistorius shot his supermodel girlfriend through a closed bathroom door and killed her in South Africa. It’s a huge story. You can bet that any actress who wins an Academy Award Sunday will never close her bathroom door with Oscar in the living room.
Alec Baldwin was caught on tape Sunday blasting a black New York Post photographer in a racist rant with bigoted, condescending language.
His career is safe. Nobody in Hollywood will believe he’s a Republican unless he calls for tax cuts and more oil drilling.
California Treasurer Bill Lockyer sought to divest the state’s pension fund of the stocks of automatic weapons makers. This insults our top industry. Without assault weapons, Bruce Willis would be starring this week in his 10th film adaptation of a Jane Austen novel.
Celebrity Rehab producers said Mindy McCready was the fifth star to have appeared on the show and then died after relapsing. It’s sad. While Dr. Kevorkian was tinkering in his garage with carbon monoxide devices, he never knew that he had a TV hit on his hands.
Pope Benedict revealed he suffered a concussion after hitting his head on a wooden beam when he slipped in his hotel room during his trip to Mexico last March. No one is at fault. Until they put an age limit on spring break, this kind of thing is going to happen.
The White House sent a congratulatory message to the Vatican to salute Pope Benedict after the pontiff retired. It was gracious, if grudging. President Obama and Pope Benedict met just once, and neither could stand the other’s holier-than-thou attitude.
President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods in Palm Beach Monday. It was a last-minute pairing. The original plan was for him to play with Bill Clinton, but Michelle would only let Barack play with someone who’s had fewer than twenty female accusers.
President Obama’s favorite hamburger and barbecue restaurant in Washington, D.C. ,was padlocked by its landlord Friday for failure to pay rent. It’s where the president enjoys burgers and fries and now it’s totally shut down. Well played, Michelle, well played.
The Coast Guard reported that the Carnival Cruise ship Triumph’s engine room fire off the coast of Mexico was caused by a leak in the oil line. Not all the cruise passengers were plagued by the overflowing sewage and rancid meat. The lucky ones fell overboard.
Stanford geneticists reported Tuesday that human intelligence is on a steady decline. It is sad but true. So when Nancy Pelosi says the U.S. government doesn’t have a spending problem we have to remember that she’s doing the best she can with what nature gave her.
Brussels Airport was the site of a diamond robbery Tuesday. Three men dressed as cops halted an airliner before takeoff and stole fifty million in jewels from the cargo. When the story broke it was the first time Lindsay Lohan was glad that she’s wearing an ankle monitor.
Keystone pipeline protesters marched in Washington claiming the pipeline running from Canada to Texas will increase global warming.
Those in favor of the pipeline argue that the project is a win-win. Even if the pipeline causes global warming, Americans get more days a year to play golf and Texas winds up with oceans of cool, refreshing Keystone.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.