HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Fright Fair Scream Park opened up the Halloween Corn Maze in Beverly Hills on Friday. Once inside you must navigate many crazy turns, traps and monsters to get out of the maze. If you make it out alive, you get to buy a more expensive health care policy.
President Obama summoned computer experts to the White House to fix the website where people enroll in ObamaCare. It’s riddled with glitches. Last night 6,000 Americans tried to enroll in ObamaCare and wound up watching 45 minutes of porn.
The White House added phone operators to the ObamaCare website to apologize for the poor service. It’s crazy. The premiere of Obamacare has been such a disaster that NBC is thinking of adding it to its prime time line-up and calling it Two and a Half Chances.
ObamaCare customers reported a back-up Monday trying to look at health care plan options. It’s good for business. Healthy people clicked their mouse for hours trying to get on the website and now millions of Americans need treatment for carpal tunnel syndrome.
HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius ducked a House hearing on the ObamaCare rollout fiasco Friday. She volunteered to testify next week, when Congress is adjourned. These days the most insulting thing about the Washington Redskins name is the Washington part.
Mexico’s government condemned the NSA for reading e-mails and monitoring phone calls of Mexicans in Mexico Monday. This is way over the line. It’s bad enough that the NSA is spying on Americans, now they are spying on people before they become Americans.
The Gallup Poll showed the lowest-ever approval ratings for the U.S. government this week. In a side-by-side comparison. the poll showed hemorrhoids are more popular than Congress. And now hemorrhoids are suing the Gallup Poll for defamation of character.
Denver Broncos superstar Peyton Manning’s return game in Indianapolis drew huge TV ratings Sunday. He’s the top earning athlete in TV endorsements. Everyone agrees that Peyton Manning is the most famous slow white Bronco since the O.J. Simpson car chase.
Google stock soared on news of the Google Glasses consumer launch next year. They have a tiny TV camera that records everyone you see and everything they say to you. These glasses could go down in history as the polio vaccine for unwanted sexual advances.
President Obama nominated Pentagon lawyer Jeh Johnson as Secretary of Homeland Security on Friday. His office provided the administration’s legal justification for the taking out of terrorists. Thanks to Obama’s drone program, Arabs now celebrate Passover.
The Betty Ford Center announce an auction of Jerry and Betty Ford’s personal items including Jerry’s golf clubs. He was famously wild off the tee. Whenever you played golf with Jerry Ford you tried to make it a Foursome - you, Jerry, a paramedic and a faith healer.
Hillary Clinton was introduced at a Democratic rally in Virginia Saturday as the next president of the United States. Comedians wept for joy. After eight years of half the country hating us if we told a Bush joke followed by eight years of the other half of the country hating us if we told an Obama joke, the Clintons are back and the world is turning our way.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.