The world is a confusing place. If this wasn’t blatantly obvious to any reasonable adult who hasn’t been living under a rock, the current political climate at home and afar is certain to have drilled it into their skulls.
As I sat on our new deck amd looked over the our little kingdom (our backyard which is really ruled by our dogs), I pondered some of life’s common conundrums. Here they are:
• Should I get plain or peanut M&MS? I mean, I like the plain M&M and it is a true classic, but the addition of the peanut is a nice touch.
• Should I get plain potato chips, the wavy kind or kettle chips, and should I get those flavored like hot Sriracha sauce or biscuits and gravy? Complicating this are the contests Lays holds in which the snack-craving public helps dictate the next chip flavor.
Imagine some stoner at a party: “Dude, putting week-old Hamburger Helper on a potato chip is AWESOME.”
• When checking out with said chips, is paper or plastic (both as forms of payment and methods of carrying the purchase home).
• When getting to downtown Kansas City, Mo., is it I-70, I-35, I-670 or I-635?
“What the &*$@, we’re in Omaha!”
• Automated bathrooms. We have auto-flushing urinals, automatic faucets, automatic paper towel dispensers and automatic hand dryers, or manual flushing urinals, manual faucets, manual towel dispensers and manual hand dryers, or any combination of the above. I catch myself trying to flush automated toilets and/or waving my hands furiously under a manual soap dispenser waiting for it to squirt foam. Seriously, all bathrooms should be one or the other. There ought to be an ordinance.
• Why, when there are prize drawings at banquets, are there never power tools. There are always a lot of lotions and soaps, but no cordless drills or leaf blowers.
• Speaking of leaf blowers, why does my wife not want me using my leaf blower to dust curio cabinets or clean the kitchen? It’s not like those figurines and dried flowers are that delicate. You think the dogs are scared of the vacuum cleaner, just wait until I fire this puppy up.
• Also speaking of leaf blowers and vacuum cleaners, what’s up with hair dryers and curling irons (excuse me, styling wands) that come with more attachments than a Hoover?
• And there are laundry detergents and air fresheners with new fresh scents. What, is this as opposed to the old, stagnant pond water or road kill scents? Same with new, fresh taste. That’s a relief, I was tired of the stale, moldy flavor.
• Wearing ribbons of various colors to support causes. Sure, pink is for breast cancer awareness. But: A red ribbon can represent HIV/AIDS awareness or substance abuse awareness; a yellow can represent support for the military or support for rural fire service in Queensland, Australia; and a zebra print represents rare diseases awareness.
Now, we are asked to display a blue ribbon in support of various local officials. This is confusing in itself since a blue ribbon also shows support of freedom of speech and press online, Canada’s National Non-Smoking Week or the “Stand With ACLU initiative.”
• Our Gov. Sam Brownback as the nation’s ambassador at large for religious freedom? Really? Are we talking about the same Sam Brownback?
• What about this Machiavellian Donald Trump White House? Shawn Spicer is in as press secretary. No, he is out as press secretary.
Sarah Huckebee Sanders is in as press secretary, Anthony Scaramucci (who looked like he just left a used car lot in Jersey City or Jimmy Hoffa’s going-away party) is in as communications director and Reince Priebus (whose name sounds like he belongs in on of those awful “Star Wars” sequels) is in as chief of staff.
Wait, no, Scaramucci is out, Sanders is in and Priebus is out. Retired Gen. John F. Kelly is in as chief of staff, at least for now.
And, this doesn’t include the shake-ups involving the attorney general, Federal Bureau of Investigation and special prosecutors.
This is like watching an episode of “Game of Thrones,” except there are no fire-breathing dragons, and no one has been roasted alive or impaled, yet.
Wow, no my brain really hurts. I think I will relax by watching a little T.V. Wait, should I chose cable, Netflix or Hulu?
Dale Hogg is the managing editor of the Great Bend Tribune. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.