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From State of the Union to altered states
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God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Miami Heat officials announced Friday they have taken away Justin Bieber’s courtside seats at home games. It’s about time. If Justin Bieber wants to drive drunk, terrorize his neighbors, smoke pot and drink codeine he’ll have to move over and sit on the player’s bench.
President Obama walked into the U.S. Capitol to give his State of the Union Tuesday. The ceremony is bracing. The State of the Union is an annual ritual where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together to fix the nation’s problems, and Congress says no.
President Obama’s State of the Union to Congress was received about as expected on Tuesday. It was cheered in Blue States and disregarded in Red States. The 60 minutes was the longest any live event has gone in the last two years without a gay wedding ceremony.
The State of the Union speech focused attention on the economic divide in America on Tuesday. Wall Streeters played a drinking game during the telecast. Every time Democrats said the words income inequality, they drank a glass of Louis XIII Grande Champagne Cognac.
President Obama pitched economic opportunity and immigration reforms in his State of the Union speech. Three Republicans were scheduled ahead of time to deliver the GOP rebuttal. They don’t know what the president is going to say, but they know they won’t like it.
President Obama told Congress he will sign an executive order that raises the minimum wage to $10 an hour. It’s of no consequence.  The pay hike only applies to workers on future federal construction projects, like the border wall with Mexico’s ever going to get built.
President Obama encouraged Congress to complete immigration reform this sesssion Tuesday. They’re talking general amnesty but not citizenship. Under the compromise, immigrants who have been in the U.S. less than two years will be right back with your entrees.
Oneida Indian Nation leaders met with U.N. officials to try to pressure the Washington Redskins to drop their name. Progress is slow. Last year the Atlanta Braves dropped the screaming Indian from their logo, but they replaced it with an Asian kid getting into Harvard.
GOP senators unveiled their alternative health care plan to Obamacare Tuesday which they hope to pass this year. It’s surprisingly generous. The Republican health care plan covers preexisting conditions, but only if you blame your preexisting condition on Benghazi.
House Chairman Chris Smith warned Tuesday that ten thousand hookers will descend on New York and New Jersey for Super Bowl weekend. The free market truly works magic. Due to the freezing weather they plan to charge a hundred dollars extra to cuddle afterwards.
Northwestern University football players filed to form a labor union with the National Labor Relations Board Tuesday. This is big. If college football players finally get paid for their labors, President Obama may wind up being more like Lincoln than even he thought.
The Sydney Herald reports a New Zealand diver was bit by a shark Monday, prompting him to kill the shark barehanded. He made it to a beach and sewed up the wound himself and then walked into the nearest bar. He ordered an Appletini, which just ruined everything.
The Denver County Fair reports that marijuana plants will be judged for blue ribbons this year as well as a pot brownies. Events include a joint-rolling contest. As a result the county fair organizers are expecting a record number of contestants in the pie-eating contest.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at