HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?   
The Gettysburg Park gift shop had to pull its John Wilkes Booth bobblehead dolls off the shelves Tuesday.
The doll is holding a pistol.
Abe Lincoln fans are horrified but the Atlanta Braves just ordered a million of them to ensure sellouts on slow Monday nights this season.  
The White House invited dozens of Hollywood stars to Wednesday’s state dinner for Great Britain’s Prime Minister David Cameron.
The dress code was formal black-tie.
To get people from L.A. to put on formal wear they had to hand out statuettes as door prizes.
The Encyclopedia Britannica halted print editions due to online competition.
In the old days, to learn about Queen Anne, you’d look up her name in the encyclopedia and read about her life.
Today you simply type in Naked Photos of Queen Anne and press Enter.
Mitt Romney lost in Alabama and Mississippi Tuesday but the delegates will be split proportionally.
His winner-take-all win in Hawaii added to his lead in delegates.
Mitt gained 15 percent in one day, which everyone has to do at Bain Capital or you get fired.
Romney tried to connect with Alabama and Mississippi GOP voters by adopting a Southern drawl and talking about how much he likes catfish and grits.
It just wasn’t his style.
Mitt once tried growing his own food but he couldn’t find any porterhouse seeds.
Rick Santorum edged Gingrich and Romney in the South on Tuesday but Mitt won in Hawaii.
No one will have enough convention votes.
That means by GOP rules Jeb Bush would get the nomination, because neither Prince William nor Prince Harry are 35.
The San Francisco Drug Users Union was chartered this week and the drug union set up its office headquarters on Turk Street.
It’s a legalization club.
The hall hosts drug support groups so people who are sober can assure everyone they’re just on a union break.
Democratic billionaire donor George Soros was sued by his ex-girlfriend Tuesday for reneging on his promise to buy her a New York apartment.
Last year he gave her a pair of diamond earrings on her birthday and she hasn’t spoken to him since.
That was the deal.
Northwest Bank decided to make branches more customer-friendly by having yoga classes in their bank lobbies.
That is convenient.
A bank robber will have half his work done for him when he walks into the lobby and everyone is already face down on the floor.
The FDA reported evidence of E. coli bacteria in lettuce and tomatoes Monday.
Chalk it up to anti-immigration laws.
Illegal aliens had to leave Arizona so fast last year that they didn’t have time to teach U.S. citizens to wash their hands before they pick the produce.
The London Mail found a World War II British soldier’s diary that supports the claim that Adolf Hitler fathered a son in France in World War I.
The soldier wrote that he met the mother in France during World War II, who told him Hitler’s son was fighting for France.
It’s the best example ever of how everyone suffers whenever the nuclear family breaks up. 
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)