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HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Sistine Chapel emitted black smoke after the first day of papal balloting in Rome indicating no pope yet. The signal is primitive in order to preserve secrecy. CNN hired a ninety-six-year old Apache to read the smoke for hints of which way the votes are leaning.
Cambridge scientists devised an algorithm that read sixty thousand Facebook posts and identified each user’s race, drug use, sexual proclivities and political leanings. It helps advertisers to know who should be targeted by pop-up ads and who should be blackmailed.
Falkland Islanders voted fifteen hundred to three to stay part of Britain Sunday. The vote was amazing. Queen Elizabeth is so popular the GOP could have nominated her for president last year and with one Photoshopped birth certificate, she’d have gotten elected.
House Budget Chairman Paul Ryan introduced a GOP bill that’ll balance the federal budget. The party divide is clear. Generally speaking Republicans hate the idea of new legislation while Democrats don’t care what’s contained in a bill, as long as it’s mandatory.
New York cop Gilberto Valle was convicted of plotting to kidnap and eat women with whom he chatted online. It never ends. Between Mayor Bloomberg and Michelle Obama there is just no end to this obsession for throwing people in jail over what they want to eat.
The London Mail reported Friday that gasoline prices have hit ten dollars per gallon in Great Britain. It’s forcing people to change their daily lifestyles. Queen Elizabeth just urged everyone in England to stop eating horses because we need them to pull the buggies.
CBS disclosed it will take in $600 million in ad revenue airing the NCAA tourney this month. The players get paid nothing. When Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, nobody noticed that the small print included an exception for college athletes.
Harvard researchers found a chemical in red wine that greatly increases the average life span. It doesn’t solve the problem. Life expectancy in the U.S. is seventy-eight years, but the average age a person has to work before they can afford to retire is seventy-nine years.
Ohio Democratic poll worker Melowese Richardson was charged Monday with voter fraud. She was listed voting six times for Barack Obama in the November election. She was eight short of her quota so she’s being thrown to the wolves as a warning to the others.
Southern California was rocked by four earthquakes Monday. The local news anchors all jumped under the desk at the same time, then they jumped back up in their chairs ten seconds later. The Channel Four anchor walked away with the ribbon for Best in Show.
Ashley Judd is set to run for the U.S. Senate in Kentucky as a Democrat. Her past nude movie scenes include a clip of her taking holy communion topless. If she can convince the Baptists that this scene satirizes Catholicism, she’s the next U.S. Senator from Kentucky.
The Catalina Sky Telescope caught pictures of four asteroids buzzing closely past the Earth last weekend. A meteor recently exploded over a city in Siberia two weeks ago and then a comet flew close by the Earth Monday. For awhile some people thought that George H.W. Bush was hitting golf balls at us but then they remembered he got out of the hospital.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at