HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama’s health care reform bill was ruled unconstitutional Monday by a U.S. judge in Virginia.
It probably is.
To the layman’s eye it violates the Equal Protection Clause for a black president to impose a 10 percent tax on tanning booths.
John Boehner broke down crying again Sunday in a CBS 60 Minutes interview.
He’s very emotional.
Last week Congress voted to make April National Peach Month and he went through two boxes of Kleenex before he could bring himself to vote against it.
Obama gave the White House podium to Bill Clinton Friday to sell the tax cut deal. It was a great idea.
If you absolutely have to sell something nobody wants, then why wouldn’t you enlist the one man who could make it snow in the Metrodome?
Bill Clinton stood at the White House podium to sell Obama’s tax cut extension deal Friday. The last time Clinton was in the White House was when his presidential portrait was unveiled.
It shows him hitting on Jackie Kennedy’s portrait.
Obama reached a deal with Republicans to extend tax cuts for jobless benefits. It’ll pass. The Republicans in Congress say they’re thrilled with the tax cuts and the Democrats leaving Congress say they’re thrilled with the jobless benefits.
WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange suggested himself for a Nobel Prize Monday. Right now he’s in jail on a Swedish warrant for having casual sex without a condom.
Julian Assange is so haplessly self-centered that David Hasselhoff just told him to cut it out.
The Food and Drug Administration moved Monday to restrict food additives, which they claim contribute to obesity. It’s economic suicide.
Everybody buying a larger-sized T-shirt at WalMart every two months is the only thing that’s keeping the economy going.
New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices pass $90 a barrel on Monday. Despite skyrocketing gasoline prices, most Californians are hanging onto their SUVs.
Most of us believe that with today’s economy we’ll soon be living in them.
U.S. Marines deployed in Guatemala Monday to train Guatemalan soldiers to battle drug cartels from Colombia. Last month Colombian authorities confiscated a kilo of cocaine molded into a replica of the World Cup. They’re unsure of the destination of the coke, but since it was in the form of the World Cup they ruled out the United States.   
Russian space officials put six people in a contained habitat to simulate what life would be like on Mars. We’re two months ahead of them. Lindsay Lohan’s spent the last 70 days in the Betty Ford Center discovering what life is like on Earth.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)