BEVERLY HILLS - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama toured the fortress off Senegal Thursday where slaves were held after being sold by Senegalese chiefs to slave ships. It looked grim. Just the sight of the slave transit quarters on TV was enough for Senegal to lose its show on the Food Channel.
Paula Deen went on the Today Show Wednesday to apologize for using the N-word decades ago. The TV chef was already under fire for all the butter, fat and grease in her cooking. If Paula Deen ever steps foot in Memphis she will be arrested for killing Elvis.
WalMart announced Wednesday it is dropping Paula Deen and ridding their shelves of Paula Deen’s line of cookware. The retailer has decided to end all ties with her. It’s probably because WalMart is afraid she might recruit their slaves to work at her weddings.
Paula Deen explained her past racist language on the Today Show Thursday saying it was a different country then. That’s true. Movie theaters in the South used to run Gone with the Wind through the projector backward so that the war would have a happy ending.
Boston cops arrested Aaron Hernandez in his beautiful suburban mansion after they found shell casings in his Nissan Altima. People in L.A. understood the Altima. The great thing about driving the lousiest car in Beverly Hills is that you are given a ton of lane space.
West Hollywood residents celebrated after the Supreme Court allowed gay marriage in Califorrnia. The studio publicists reacted quickly. Until last week, The Lone Ranger and Tonto was advertised as an action-adventure movie and today it is a romantic comedy.
The Supreme Court returned California’s Proposition 8 to the Ninth Circuit that had struck down the voter-passed ballot measure. Gays and lesbians say it violated their civil rights. Proposition 8 defines marriage as a union between two Republicans.
Los Angeles school kids were asked in a poll what job they want when they grow up and most said they want to star in their own TV reality series. It’s inherited narcissism. Los Angeles is the only place in the U.S. that thinks the NSA doesn’t watch us closely enough.
Texas state senator Wendy Davis spoke for thirteen straight hours on the floor until legislative time ran out to kill an anti- abortion bill Tuesday. She’s a hero to Democrats. However, a dozen couples have dropped plans to ask her to give the toast at their weddings.
The American Medical Association classified obesity as a disease requiring medical attention last week. Already people are taking advantage of the ruling. The next day, U.S. mail delivery was delayed for hours after hundredss of letter carriers called in fat.
NSA fugitive Edward Snowden remained at Moscow Airport Thursday in the airport hotel with all his U.S. intel stored in four laptops. He’s an idiot to think he can come and go as he pleases. Vladimir Putin may release Edward Snowden but only so he can hunt him.
The National Institutes of Health announced Thursday it will end the use of chimpanzees in U.S. medical research. Opponents say the administration is pandering to animal rights activists. If Tarzan and Jane had been Republicans, Cheetah would have been a coat.
Anthony Weiner seized a a five-point lead over his five opponents in the N.Y. mayor’s race Thursday. His infamous sexting scandal probably won’t be a big issue until the runoff. There are only two things standing in his way, an unforgiving public and Instagram.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.