God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
Southern California was clobbered by welcome thunderstorms all weekend from Tropical Storm Delores, bringing great relief and happiness. People in the Mojave Desert saw hail for the first time in their lives and went rushing outdoors holding their hats up. They thought it was raining crystal meth.
Ashley Madison’s adulterers website was hit by hackers who vow to reveal all the names, photos and financials of everyone who’s registered for a hook-up. Remember in the movie “Giant” where James Dean’s first oil rig hits a gusher and he rolls around in the oil? That’s how divorce lawyers feel today.
Professional surfer Mick Fanning was attacked by a shark while lying on his board waiting for a wave at the World Surfing Championships in South Africa Friday. He punched the shark in the back and swam safely to shore. Donald Trump declared that the surfer was no hero for swimming away.
Donald Trump discussed his Presbyterian faith in Iowa Friday and referred to the communion wafer as the little cracker. We don’t get do-overs in life. Trump can’t help thinking how much easier his life would be if he’d referred to Christ’s sacrifice as heroic and called John McCain a little cracker.
Donald Trump retaliated against John McCain Friday for saying Trump brought out the crazies in Arizona by countering that McCain was no war hero in Vietnam just because he was captured. Trump said he likes people who aren’t captured. It’s not mutual, though, El Chapo is still out to kill him.
Hillary Clinton led a chorus of Democrats denouncing Trump for disrespecting John McCain’s heroism in Vietnam and she ripped Republicans for being slow to defend him. It’s a shame Nixon didn’t have Trump. I have never seen one man turn so many Democrats into Vietnam War supporters.
John McCain told NBC News Monday he used the phrase a bunch of crazies to describe Donald Trump’s political followers in Arizona as a term of endearment. It’s really not his call to make. Generally speaking the question of who’s crazy and who’s not crazy is decided by the person with the key.
Tiger Woods flew home to Florida to work on his game Saturday after the longtime King of Golf embarrassingly failed to make the cut in the British Open at St. Andrews in Scotland. He’s lost his ability to shape his shots toward the hole. He lost three balls on Friday, every one of them while he was putting.
The Judiciary Committee heard testimony from Americans who’ve been victimized by criminal illegal aliens. Anglo-Saxons generally take a hard line toward illegal immigration in America. We feel our ancestors didn’t come all the way here from Britain for this place to be overrun by immigrants.
The N.Y. Times said deposition transcripts from a decade ago show Bill Cosby admitted drugging at least five women with Quaaludes for sex. It’s got Hollywood all creeped out. If you’re an actress, and Bill Cosby refers to you as a real knockout, you may have had one more audition than you thought.
The Cuban flag was raised at an embassy in Washington Monday in the latest step toward Cuba and the United States normalizing relations at last. Cuba’s economy is gradually converting to free markets with small businesses freer from government control. We’re like two ships passing in the night.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com