Journalists in the mass media love to dig up dirt on Republican presidential candidates. Well, I just dug up some dirt on Hillary Clinton.
In Bob Woodward’s 1996 book, “The Choice,” Woodward reports that Hillary once conducted séances to summon the spirits of Eleanor Roosevelt and Mahatma Gandhi.
Through some crack investigative work - I paid a Russian hacker 20 bucks to access Hillary’s server - I determined that Hillary is still talking to dead people.
Here’s a transcript of her most recent seance:
Hillary: It’s tough being a strong, smart woman, Eleanor. What should I do?
Eleanor: You must pretend to be humble, right Mahatma?
Mahatma Ghandi: Yes, humble, and she must change her hair style.
Hillary: Change my hair style again?
Mahatma: Try the Mary Tyler Moore look from the old Dick Van Dyke show.
FDR: Eleanor, come back to sleep, dear.
Hillary: President Roosevelt?
Eleanor: Go back to sleep, you old philanderer.
Mahatma: And try some zippity doo.
President Truman: Hillary, I have some advice for you.
Hillary: President Truman?
Truman: If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
LBJ: I couldn’t take it and I got out.
Hillary: Lyndon?
President Nixon: You were run out, Lyndon!
LBJ: A subject you know well, Dick!
Shirley MacLaine: Hello! Hello!
LBJ: MacLaine, what are you doing here? You’re not dead!
Shirley: There is no death, Lyndon.
Nixon: No death to LBJ’s commie government programs, anyway!
President Jefferson: Good God, what have you people done to the country!
Hillary: President Jefferson?
Jefferson: It takes a village, my eye! Individuals get things done.
President Washington: Jefferson, how’s it going, old boy?
Jefferson: They’ve run up $20 trillion in debt, George!
Jimmy Hoffa: You people want to keep it down?
Hillary: You’re the real Jimmy Hoffa?
Hoffa: Does a bear -
Shirley: Jimmy!
Ghandi: Alberto VO5 also offers some very nice products to make your hair shiny.
Ben Franklin: What did you people do to the Constitution?
Bill Smith: Hey, Hillary, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.
Hillary: Who are you?
Bill Smith: A Trump supporter. I got so mad when you called me and my friends a basket of deplorables that I had a massive coronary and now I’m stuck in your damn seance.
Shirley: Anyone hear from George Burns?
Franklin: What happened to limited government!
Hillary: Eleanor, I summoned you and Mahatma for inspiration.
Eleanor: But you’re not getting inspired?
Hillary: No, I’m suffering more abuse than I get from the living.
Truman: If you can’t take the heat...
Eleanor: Ignore them, dear. They’ve been moaning about FDR’s programs for 60 years.
Hillary: I feel so down lately. I feel so heavy, like someone buried me in concrete.
Hoffa: Lady, you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Hillary: Eleanor, I need your help. I’m falling in the polls. What do I do?
Eleanor: Just as I was a revolutionary First Lady, you, the first major-party female presidential candidate, are a revolutionary. Revolutionaries ruffle feathers, dear.
Hillary: But I should be slaughtering Trump. If I’m not careful, I could lose this thing. What can I do to make people like me?
(Silence.)
Hillary: Eleanor?
Ghandi: Eleanor left, Hillary. But she said you might try a good conditioner. Be sure to rinse thoroughly.
Tom Purcell is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Send comments to Tom at Tom@TomPurcell.com