HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Sheen was fired from CBS’s Two and a Half Men by Warner Brothers Monday after two weeks of crazy behavior. He’s unemployed. If he hadn’t had to give up his twin boys last week to Child Services he’d have had to give them up this week for a tank of gas.
The White House considered tapping the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to increase U.S. oil supplies and ease prices Monday. It’s a start.
Until now, the only plan Democrats have had to increase the number of barrels of oil produced is to decrease the size of the barrels.
Lindsay Lohan’s theft case exploded Monday after the jewelry store tried to sell their security video of her to Entertainment Tonight.
She’ll be fine as long as she stays sober. Lindsay’s been to rehab so many times the Betty Ford Center cafeteria has a sandwich named after her.       
Donald Trump led all GOP presidential front-runners in a personal favorability poll among the voters in Iowa Monday. He says the Chinese are laughing at us and the Arabs are laughing at us. Apparently the Africans and the South Americans just don’t get us.   
The Treasury Department on Monday reported the biggest-ever one-month budget deficit in February. The statistics say we’re in the longest and deepest recession since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Charlie Sheen was known for his acting.
The White House asked the Saudis to supply Libya’s rebels on Monday.
The U.S. can’t seize a sparsely populated country with huge oil deposits, it’d break our sobriety. When Dick Cheney accidentally shot that Texas lawyer in the face, he was daydreaming about Libya.   
President Obama hinted at U.S. willingness to intervene in Libya under the cover of NATO. He had to weigh the risks. Trying to overthrow Khadaffi might cost him his next Nobel Peace Prize, but Nobel still awards prizes for medicine, physics and comedy-variety.
The White House hosted a dinner for Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon Friday. It’s part of an annual exchange program. Once a year the American president goes to Mexico to visit our jobs, and once a year the president of Mexico comes to America to visit his people.
The Chicago Tribune reported a survey showing high school teenagers are having sex less than in several previous decades. It’s obvious why.
Thanks to abstinence programs, more and more high school teachers are finding the courage to say no to their students.   
Bill Clinton advertised for a speechwriter on his New York office website Friday. The ad has trouble written all over it. It asks for someone to write his speeches, draft his talking points, supervise interns, work nights and weekends, and must have experience as a glassblower.   
Best Buy was reported Monday to be planning to give brand-new Apple iPads to all sales associates who work in the store. It’s so they can better help their customers. Not to be outdone, WalMart just announced it’ll give free Life Alert bracelets to all its greeters.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)