HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Oklahoma Sooners host the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame on Saturday in a classic match-up of football schools. Good tickets are selling for five thousand dollars apiece in Oklahoma. It just shows that any economy can recover if you’re willing to drill and recruit.
The San Diego Chargers came under NFL probe Monday for providing wide receivers with a banned sticky substance to help them hold onto passes. They can’t deny it. Two of the receivers high-fived each other during practice and got stuck and had to join the circus.
Tim Tebow was granted a trademark by the U.S. Patent Office for Tebowing, which is dropping to one knee in prayer. It’s a groundbreaking ruling. Until now, you were not allowed to make money off an act of prayer unless you had your own televangelist channel.
Lance Armstrong was stripped of his Tour de France titles Monday and banned from cycling for life due to evidence he used steroids. Last week he lost all his sponsors. It is the most trouble an athlete’s ever been in without murdering an ex-wife and a waiter.
Secret Service chief Mark Sullivan was accused of misleading Congress Friday about the Colombian hooker party. He swore it was a one-time event. Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress’s role.
Wisdom of the Psychopaths by author Kevin Dutton hit the bookstores Monday. The book says psychopaths aren’t always violent, but they’re driven by ego and have no empathy or shame. When the mayor of Los Angeles presents you with the key to the city, it lets you out.
Toyota announced Monday it has begun production on a Prius hearse. It’s better for the environment than gas-powered hearses. Experts say it’s the perfect way for you to tell everybody in your funeral procession that you’re judging them from beyond the grave.
Costume World reported big Halloween sales of President Obama and Mitt Romney masks. Political interest is unusually intense. Last night a woman went to a Halloween party dressed up as an undecided voter and today she has a limb in four different zip codes.
Barack Obama and Mitt Romney’s third debate on foreign policy Monday aired on all the U.S. networks plus the BBC and Spanish TV. It was even shown on the Arab world’s TV network Al Jazeera. It preempted the network’s top-rated sitcom, How I Met Your Camel.
President Obama picked up five endorsements for re-election Saturday. He received the backing of Venezuela’s president Hugo Chavez, Cuba’s Raoul Castro, and Russia’s president Vladimir Putin, the New York Times and the Los Angeles Times. If they were cards, he would fold.
Arnold Schwarzenegger signed copies of his memoir on his book tour on Monday. He writes about how he took steroids, became a star and married a Kennedy then slept with the maid and became governor of California. The book is published by Satan and Schuster.
European vintners predicted the worst wine harvest in fifty years this month due to cold weather in France and Italy. Distributors warned of a wine shortage. The reason that Germany has the money to bail everybody out is that their economy is based on beer.
The Presidential Debate Commission scheduled Monday’s debate up against Monday Night Football and the NL playoffs game seven, which pretty much left the debate with a television audience consisting of women interested in foreign policy. It didn’t change any minds. Condi Rice was watching football, and that just left Madeleine Albright.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.