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It's so cold that ... Argus Hamilton
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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Chicago was buried by a blizzard on Tuesday which closed airports and schools and highways.
Winds off Lake Michigan blew eighteen-foot waves onto Lake Shore Drive in sub-zero temperatures.
Rahm Emanuel was never gladder he really lives in Washington.
The Weather Channel reported St. Louis was socked in by a blizzard Tuesday.
No one can remember such high winds in Missouri in the winter.
Missourians walked outside the next morning and the newspaper on everybody’s front porch was the Minneapolis Star Tribune.   
Egypt’s president Hosni Mubarak promised Tuesday to retire in September but the street protesters didn’t believe him and demanded that he retire right away. People in America understand their skepticism. We go through this every summer with Brett Favre.
Hosni Mubarak supporters charged into Cairo’s Tahrir Square on camels Wednesday, hurling firebombs at protesters. He refuses to leave.
President Obama offered him asylum but he’s holding out for the Luxor in Las Vegas.
Egypt’s army was criticized by both sides of the Cairo unrest Wednesday for running away and disappearing when the firebombs began to fly. It works every time.
The Israelis fell for that trick four times in the last four wars and now the Palestinians are their problem.
Anderson Cooper was punched six times by Egyptian street protesters Tuesday while he covered their march for CNN. A lot of people naturally blamed the government for his beating.
It’s really his own fault for going in there thinking that only Westerners have gay-dar.
Super Bowl Week began in Dallas Monday as corporate CEOs and advertising execs and Wall Streeters arrived to party.
Local clubs were reported teeming with strippers and teenage prostitutes.
Charlie Sheen just asked to be transferred to Promises Arlington.
Senate Republicans introduced a bill to repeal ObamaCare Wednesday after a U.S. judge ruled health care reform unconstitutional.
People are genuinely worried.
If a president can order you to buy health insurance, the first lady can make you eat broccoli.   
Bill Clinton was named Man of the Year by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals because of his public campaign urging everyone to eat vegan. He talked about how easy it was for him to switch to a meat-free diet.
All he had to do was eat at Taco Bell.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at