HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Kim Jung Un announced he’ll build a replica of London’s Big Ben clock and the Eiffel Tower in a Pyongyang amusement park. It must be spring. He also asked Dennis Rodman to bring Jason Collins with him to North Korea next month and to wear something low-cut.
NBA’s Jason Collins came out as gay Monday and upset many traditional perceptions about NBA players. This will take some time for fans to sort out. Until now, everyone took for granted that the NBA is a game between a man and a different woman every night.
Bill Clinton released a statement saluting NBA player Jason Collins for coming out as gay Monday. The media ate it up. Being a Democrat means believing Jason Collins’s sex life is everybody’s business while insisting that Bill Clinton’s sex life was nobody’s business.
Sutton Foster announced the Tony Award nominations Tuesday with Cyndi Lauper’s musical Kinky Boots garnering 13 nominations. This year’s Tony Awards on CBS should draw huge ratings. The climate is right for a Broadway actor to come out as straight.
London bookmakers report huge action from betters on the name of the royal baby born in three months to William and Kate. The stakes are huge. Pete Rose just offered to bribe Prince William into telling him the baby’s name and now he’s banned from cricket.
Tim Tebow was released by the New York Jets Monday after the front office failed to trade him. Fame is so fleeting. A year and a half ago, Tim Tebow led Denver to the AFC Champinship game, becoming the most famous white bronco since the O.J. Simpson car chase.
Michael Jackson’s family’s negligent death suit against AEG went to trial Monday. His death was all too typical in L.A. After dozens of plastic surgeries, nose jobs, cheek implants and botox injections, his family did not know whether to bury him, cremate him or recycle him.
Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery Monday after he fell off his bicycle again. He’s had two previous surgeries for prior bicycle crashes going back forty years. His medical chart is kept in a folder at Walter Reed marked Breyer v. Gravity.
The Boston Herald said the Tsarnaev family received one $100,000 in welfare in cash, food stamps and subsidized housing. The Tsarnaevs ruined it for everybody. Deserving families can no longer use their EBT cards for fertilizer and fuses.
The Justice Department told Americans not to profile Muslims after radical Islamists bombed Boston. The administration keeps radical Islamists shielded behind political correctness. It is simply racist to single them out as long as they don’t use assault weapons.
President Obama refused to intervene against the Assad government’s brutal regime in Syria. One side uses chemical weapons and the other side swore loyalty to al-Qaeda. It could be the first time since the Iran-Iraq war that Americans are rooting for a scoreless tie.
Barack Obama said Tuesday he didn’t know if his government is trying to silence U.S. eyewitnesses to the Benghazi attack. He is on overload. When you know everything about health care, immigration, taxes, hip-hop and oil pipelines who’s got time to watch Fox News?
CBS News reports that power couples in Manhattan have begun signing relationship contracts with each other. The contracts obligate them to go out once a week and have sex once a week. The next-to-the-last stage of workaholism involves bargaining with the disease.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.