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Just what are the rules in soccer?
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HOLLYWOOD - Happy Thursday, everybody, and God bless America.
The World Cup will feature a game between France and Germany in the knockout round Friday before a world audience. What could go wrong? The French strategy is to surrender early and then wait 88 minutes for the Americans to parachute in and win it for them.
The Economist saw the chaos in Iraq and concluded it was a mistake to topple Saddam Hussein and execute him. For his last request Saddam was allowed to name his own firing squad. He chose any U.S. soccer team from 12 yards away, and finally he had to be hanged.
Belgium’s soccer team defeated the U.S. soccer team in the Tuesday knockout round game in the Amazon Basin in Brazil. We’re still trying to get a firm grasp of the sport. Forty thousand U.S. soccer fans are still sitting in the stadium waiting for the fourth quarter to start.
President Obama got a laugh at a White House lunch praising the pastry chef. He joked that he wondered if the pie crust was cut with crack. The crowd knew he was kidding but Toronto mayor Rob Ford called the White House to see if he could join the Obamas for dessert some night.
The Supreme Court ruled the Hobby Lobby owner has a religious right not to have to give the morning-after birth control pill to women employees. It’s controversial. The good news is, Pfizer is working on a morning-after pill for men - it changes your DNA and your phone number.
The Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby ruling set off an angry partisan debate Tuesday. Liberals say the ruling was a violation of a woman’s right to receive free birth control at work while conservatives advise liberals to be grateful the owner of Hobby Lobby isn’t a Christian Scientist.
Hillary Clinton compared the Hobby Lobby Supreme Court ruling to societies like Saudi Arabia controlling women to men’s benefit. It upheld a law Bill Clinton signed into law. The Saudis love Bill Clinton because they think he’s the only American who’s allowed dozens of wives.
GOP operative Roger Stone wrote a book which claimed Richard Nixon and LBJ both tried to seduce Jackie Kennedy while she was first lady. She never strayed. When Jackie wasn’t re-decorating the White House, she’d put on a blonde wig and wait her turn in the secretarial pool.
Mexico’s National Action Party endorsed a neo-Nazi organization Friday following new Nazi parties recently formed in Chile, Colombia and Central America. It’s taking hold. Already children have begun arriving at the U.S. border demanding to be placed in Aryan foster homes.
Miss Delaware Amanda Longacre was ruled ineligible for the Miss America Pageant this fall when they found she was too old. You can’t be over 24. Pageant officials checked her birth certificate after Amanda listed her talent as playing six Bingo cards at the same time.
California’s drought raised the price of water to $2,200 per acre-foot in the parched Golden State. Leave it to L.A. to make it chic. For summer wear, Bloomingdale’s is advertising overalls, T-shirts and straw hats from the Dust Bowl Collection.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at