HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Kansas City had flash mob attacks at the Plaza district Saturday, joining Philadelphia, Milwaukee and Washington in race-based melees by flash mobs.
It’s tense.
The Ku Klux Klan is advising convenience store owners to put the crackers up front to scare them away.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced his candidacy for president Saturday in South Carolina.
He’s a fervent evangelical Christian.
The Democrats are already demanding to know why, if he loves Jesus so much, is he trying to kick him out of the White House.
GOP candidate Perry ripped the administration in a speech to Iowa’s Lincoln Day Dinner Monday.
Just a year ago he talked about Texas seceding from the union and here he is at a dinner honoring Abe Lincoln.
Mitt Romney said it’s the biggest flip-flop he’s ever seen.
GOP candidate Michele Bachmann won the Iowa straw poll Saturday, edging Ron Paul in the day-long election at the Iowa fairgrounds.
It’s a leisurely event.
The straw poll allows people to pick the next president or buy an ice cream cone, whichever line’s shorter.
Washington D.C. had nine inches of rain Monday which stranded cab drivers in their cabs. Arriving lawmakers were stranded at the airport.
DC cab drivers refuse to pick up congressmen because they won’t pick up riders who are statistically likely to rob them.
President Obama flew to Minnesota Monday where he began a three-day bus tour of the heartland on two new buses.
The Secret Service received special training for the Midwestern bus tour.
They have to learn how to change a tire now that we’ve lost our AAA.           
“The Help” was a box-office hit Sunday about a black housemaid in Mississippi back in the ‘60s.
The maid is a fascinating character.
The movie is so successful the studio is going to make a sequel to The Help starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a stay-at-home dad.   
France received monetary backing Monday, sparking a worldwide stock market rally.
They’ll always draw tourists. The Louvre displays more bare breasts than any other museum in the world with the possible exception of the Clinton Presidential Library.
The Ritz-Carlton in Los Angeles was hit by thieves who stole a Rembrandt from the hotel lobby Monday.
It’s worth a quarter-million dollars.
Nowadays a lot of people like to take a Rembrandt with them to the grocery store so they don’t have to carry so much cash.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)