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Lohan learns you gotta have priorities
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HOLLYWOOD God bless America, and hows everybody? Lindsay Lohan sashayed into Los Angeles court Wednesday to face felony charges of grand theft. She looked just sensational after 100 days of sobriety. Many of her closest friends are worried that her shoplifting is starting to get in the way of her drinking. Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller filed their final divorce papers Friday in L.A. The last straw for her was the ambulance call two weeks ago. Before Charlie would tell the emergency rescue operator where he lived, he made her tell him what she was wearing. The Academy Award for Best Picture Sunday will pit The Kings Speech about King George VI against The Social Network about Facebook founder Jeff Zuckerberg. The King and the Facebook founder have one interesting trait in common. They both lost Egypt. Hosni Mubarak stepped down as president of Egypt on Friday after 18 days of massive protests against his rule. He refused to resign until hed won a list-minute legal victory. The Illinois Supreme Court just ruled hes eligible to run for mayor of Chicago. Switzerland froze Hosni Mubaraks assets Friday after he resigned as president of Egypt. Opponents will file charges that he stole forty billion dollars in gold. In response he just hired Lindsay Lohans lawyer to convince the jury he was just borrowing the gold. Donald Trump told the conservative convention in Washington D.C. Friday he might run for president. Hes a known commodity. His beautiful young wife, Melania, decided to marry Trump because she saw two things in him a billion dollars and high cholesterol. The U.S. Navy spent $500,00 grand on the Super Bowl fly-over even though the stadium roof was shut. Its the symbolism that mattered. Americans dont mind taking a moment to remember the overspenders in Washington who died fighting monogamy last year. Congressman Chris Lee resigned Thursday when the married lawmaker was caught sending shirtless photos of himself to women online. Every year someone has to learn the same lesson. Theres a right way and a wrong way to surprise your wife on Valentines Day. CIA Director Leon Panetta guessed wrong Thursday telling Congress that Mubarak would resign that day. He vowed to improve the intelligence-gathering capacity at CIA headquarters. The next day, he told the General Services Administration that every office at the CIA must have cable television no matter what it costs. Intelligence Director Jim Clapper conceded that the Muslim Brotherhood killed Egypts last two leaders, invented suicide vests and founded al-Qaeda. However, now he says they are a mature secular group. It just proves that the coke was much better back in the 70s. President Obama had a heated argument on the phone Thursday with Saudi Arabias King Abdullah over whether the U.S. should stand by Mubarak. The president has a sporting interest in the outcome. Obama will never again complain about his lack of bowling skills on the Tonight Show if he can pick up the Tunisia-Egypt-Saudi Arabia split. Cairo went wild Friday when Egypts vice president announced that Hosni Mubarak was resigning. Hes replaced by a military council headed by the former secret police chief. Argentina is demanding to know why Egypt gets democracy points with this roster and all Argentina ever gets are people noticing the number of German names in their phone book. The Discovery Channel said the United States leads the world in shark attacks for the first time in history. Its the recession. For years Australia had the most number of shark attacks but eating an American nowadays is like two meals for the price of one. (Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at