HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York City Marathon officials announced that Sunday’s annual marathon will be run as scheduled despite Hurricane Sandy’s damage. TV ratings should be huge. The runners are going to run through Battery Park and the guy who doesn’t sink is the Messiah.
Lindsay Lohan tweeted instructions to New Yorkers not to panic as Hurricane Sandy made landfall on Monday. She’s always appreciated for her steady leadership. Lindsay’s very calm in a crisis like this, until the cocaine gets wet and the loss is more than she bear.
Hurricane Sandy roared eastward into the Midwest walloping Chicago Tuesday after its storm flooded Manhattan and laid waste to New Jersey. It suspended all presidential campaigning and political speeches for two days. So for a lot of voters it was like a vacation.
New York suffered looting in Coney Island electronics stores and clothing stores and athletic wear stores Tuesday following the hurricane. It was a scene of urban chaos. The White House blamed the looting on a YouTube video showing Obama had lost the election.
Hurricane Sandy left New York residents without any power on Tuesday. The locals are getting bored with all these emergencies. When Rudy Giuliani walked down the street toward the flooding with a snorkel mask on his face, the old magic just wasn’t there.
The Weather Channel enjoyed its highest ratings ever Monday, drawing 40 million viewers to see the hurricane arrive. People couldn’t stop watching. Not only did the storm promise a spectacular destruction but it looked like a giant breast on Doppler radar.
Dave Letterman taped his Late Show on CBS without any studio audience Tuesday in New York City. The audience couldn’t get there because of the hurricane. He told all his jokes to absolute silence, and during the first commercial break he fired all the writers.
The Democrats ran an ad starring a college girl who says voting for president is like a girl losing her virginity. She says it must be with someone special who understands women. Anybody who waits eight years to turn things around doesn’t understand women.
Mitt Romney helped Ohioans bag hurricane relief supplies for storm victims on the East Coast Tuesday. He faced questions about a past campaign vow to get rid of FEMA. Five minutes after the hurricane hit Atlantic City, FEMA was on the ground in New Orleans.
Joe Biden addressed Florida seniors Wednesday and said he was going to give them the whole load. At an Ohio diner last week a man told Joe he’s a good man but a bad vice president. Worse, it was the only thing President Obama said to him until the check arrived.
President Obama resumed campaigning Thursday and gave speeches to Democratic crowds across the country and he ended up in Las Vegas. He’s always inspired by the city. Barack Obama’s new campaign slogan is What Happens in Benghazi stays in Benghazi.
The Mars Curiosity Rover used its mobile chemistry lab to appraise soil compounds Tuesday. Next its drilling bit will drill underground. The only way they’ll get Democrats and Republicans to increase NASA’s budget is to find both drugs and oil on another planet.
The Vatican’s newspaper hailed the new James Bond movie Skyfall the best ever. Its no surprise they would love a gambling, drinking, womanizing killer. Whenever James Bond kneels inside the confession booth he flips a coin with the priest to see who goes first.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.