HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Queen Elizabeth enjoyed huge crowds at her Diamond Jubilee celebrations over the weekend including two million Americans. The color is spectacular. Queen Elizabeth would be America’s queen today but British soldiers insisted on wearing red in the woods.
John Edwards dodged prison Thursday after he bilked a star-struck wealthy widow out of millions to hide a pregnant mistress from his dying wife. He ditched the mistress to date around. The Mormon Church has just called on the Democrats to renounce polygamy.
John Edwards was acquitted of money laundering on Thursday, then faced reporters outside of court and confessed his sins. He did have one consolation. The next day the West Hollywood City Council sent him four neckties for Father’s Day, one for each bedpost.
Scotland Yard caught a cannibal killer in Europe Friday, the same day Maryland cops arrested a cannibal. One week earlier cops killed a cannibal in Miami. Psychiatrists who study cannibals say they hated their mothers til they thought of trying them with the gravy.
Grammy Award winner Sean Combs’s son was given an athletic scholarship to UCLA Tuesday. The famous rapper once spent two million dollars in one night in a strip club. The UCLA cheerleaders spent the next week learning a Make It Rain Dance for the homecoming game.
New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg moved to ban the sale of large sugary drinks Friday. The dictatorial mayor is spoiling the party for everybody. For the first time ever, someone who smuggles sixteen ounces of coke into the stock exchange could go to jail.
The Hollywood Reporter said Friday that CNN hit its lowest viewer ratings in twenty years. It’s embarrassing. Wolf Blitzer’s been ordered by CNN executives to start renting out the Situation Room for bar mitzvahs and bachelor parties whenever he’s not on the air.
Mitt Romney blasted President Obama over the low jobs number Friday and blamed the market crash on his policies. It was a trial run. Just in case Mitt Romney gets elected president he wants to get in the practice of blaming everything on the previous president.
Bill Clinton praised both Donald Trump and Mitt Romney in a CNN interview Friday. He has to please both parties. When he speaks to businesses they pay him a hundred-thousand-dollar fee but when he speaks for Obama they shred fifteen pages of his FBI files.
Mexico ripped the U.S. Justice Department’s failed Fast and Furious gun-running sting operation Friday. It accidentally armed the cartels.
No one ever thought the U.S. would try to lower the number of illegal immigrants by allowing them to machine gun each other.
President Obama leaked that he ordered cyber-attacks on Iran Friday a day after he leaked his terrorist kill list. Before that he leaked we had a double agent in al-Qaeda. We thought when we elected a president under sixty we wouldn’t have these urology problems.
President Obama said Friday he needs a second term in order to re-write his health care reform law if the Supreme Court strikes it down. It’s only right. In America we’re taught that everyone deserves a second chance whose first chance was ruled unconstitutional.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.