HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Labor Department reported Friday that the unemployment rate rose to near 10 percent.
The national mood is grim.
It used to be fun to sit and watch Donald Trump tell people they’re fired but now it’s like watching capital punishment on live television.
President Obama spoke to troops in Afghanistan Friday, where he praised the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines but forgot the Coast Guard.
It’s no accident.
Earlier in the day he pardoned four cocaine traffickers, so apparently he is no fan of the Coast Guard’s work.
Chinese officials clocked their bullet train at 300 miles an hour Friday. The search is on for an American teenager to drive it.
They’re the only ones with the reflexes to pilot a train going 300 miles an hour while sending and receiving text messages.
The TSA was found Friday to have put CNN’s Drew Griffin on its terrorist watch list for his reports critical of their airport security procedures. Think of the benefits.
The TSA makes it possible for you to get molested this Christmas even if you don’t go to church.
Charles Manson was reportedly caught using a cell phone Friday in his jail cell at San Quentin prison. It’s no surprise he’s on the phone.
Until Beverly Hills police detectives solve the case of the murdered publicist, he will continue to get calls for consulting work.   
The U.S. Capitol was swarmed by fresh faces Friday as new lawmakers began arriving before taking office in January. The swearing-in ceremony is a sacred tradition.
The new congressmen stand in the Chamber, raise their right hands, and take the Hypocritical Oath.
Hillary Clinton held a town hall meeting in Bahrain Friday. She’s smoothing over the damage done by the WikiLeaks revelations. She hasn’t done damage control like this since she claimed there was a vast right-wing conspiracy when her husband was exposed by DNA Leaks.
Tom DeLay accused Democrats of criminalizing politics following his conviction in Austin for money laundering. It was a felony conviction.
Ironically it’s more than likely that Tom will soon get the opportunity to experience first-hand how a real laundry works.
The National Retailers Association reported improved Christmas sales in stores and malls Friday. Two obese Oklahoma women were caught shoplifting clothing hidden under their body fat and breasts. The good news is none of the shirts they stole need ironing now.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)