HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?    
Buckingham Palace published the Royal Wedding guest list on Friday and it does not include President Obama.
Only crowned heads of state are invited.
Obama’s only credential would be that he once joined in a shoot-around with the Sacramento Kings.   
The King of Bahrain scored an invite to the Royal Wedding Friday despite his human rights record.
All kings were invited.
We haven’t had a crowned head of state since Bill Clinton used to walk downstairs to the press room with a black eye every Monday morning.   
Obama targeted Moammar Khadaffi with a cruise missile attack Monday. The president has maintained tax cuts, ordered detainees tortured and attacked an oil country.
Democrats are simply outraged that George W. Bush had the nerve to run for a third term in blackface.   
Obama had a ball hosting the White House Easter Egg Roll Monday on the South Lawn.
Twenty thousand children enjoyed the roll, then gathered around for story time. Some guy in a bunny suit read them the story of how Rush Limbaugh stole Christmas.   
Obama blamed the oil companies Monday for the month-long spike in oil prices.
However, he banned drilling in the Gulf and he devalued the dollar by printing money.
Even his kids are saving their allowance money to buy gold from Glenn Beck.
The White House was reported Monday to be weighing trade sanctions against Syria after Bashar Assad sent troops to attack pro-democracy protesters in Daraa. We don’t trade with Syria so there is nothing to sanction.
Even our heroin comes from Afghanistan.
NATO launched guided missiles Monday targeted directly at Moammar Khadaffi’s house in Tripoli, but they wiped out a conference center next door.
It was the third time in the dictator’s life that he’s been targeted by cruise missiles which barely missed him.
U.S. presidents get really aggravated afterwards when Khadaffi waves his red cape and bows to the crowd.
Lindsay Lohan was sentenced Friday to jail and fifteen days of community service in the county morgue. That’s bizarre.
Why on earth would the court order Lindsay Lohan to perform her community service in the easiest place in the world to lift another necklace?
The Weather Channel showed violent storms that hit Oklahoma and Texas Saturday, flooding everything. They’ve all been praying for rain to end the drought that’s lasted all year.
The next time the Southern Baptists pray for rain they’re going to put a timer on it.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)