HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama taped an interview with this week in which he revealed he has Stevie Wonder, the Rolling Stones, and Bob Dylan on his iPod.
Unfortunately the interview question asked him what he planned to do about North Korea.
Senate Republicans proposed a bill Tuesday to scale back the health care reform law.
Doctors are experiencing a huge increase in demand for medical services. Tiger Woods is only 34 and last year he started getting his annual physical weekly.
The USS George Washington headed for the Sea of Japan Wednesday.
The president called the Korean peninsula the world’s most sensitive area.
It is the policy of the U.S. government to pat down any sensitive areas if they refuse to be photographed naked.   
The TSA may have hired illegal aliens as screeners in Orlando after advertising for workers on pizza boxes. That explains the complaints from big-breasted women.
The only training they have had is as fruit pickers, so all they know how to do is squeeze melons.
Charlie Sheen was sued by porn star Capri Anderson for defamation of character Tuesday over his N.Y. hotel room crack-up. He’s a national treasure.
This lawsuit cements Charlie Sheen’s place in history as the only man ever sued for ruining a porn star’s good name.
Tom DeLay was convicted of money laundering and conspiracy Wednesday.
He’s now two-thirds of the way through his apprenticeship.
Tom is just a voter fraud conviction away from being the first Texan ever eligible to run for mayor of Chicago.
Sarah Palin called Barbara Bush a blue-blood Tuesday for doubting her presidential electability.
How long has it been since we all enjoyed a Republican driven by class envy? The only thing dumber than thinking Elvis is still alive is believing that Nixon is still dead.
Los Angeles Deputy City Attorney Maureen Rodriguez said Tuesday the nicest suburbs in L.A. are being invaded by squatters who move into vacated foreclosed homes.
That’s the bad news.
The good news is, the rate of homelessness is falling across America and home ownership is way up, if you believe the notion that possession is nine tenths of the law.
Homeland Security announced Wednesday it’s considering new names for the daily terrorist threat levels they announce. People have gotten too used to hearing the current names — Code Yellow and Code Orange and Code Red.
To get everybody’s attention, they’re thinking about renaming them Above the Waist, Below the Waist and Third Date.   
Prince William and Kate Middleton revealed plans to marry at Westminster Abbey April 29. The royal wedding will occur on the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. The date was selected by a committee of astrologers and marriage counselors.
Hollywood sweetheart Jennifer Grey won ABC’s Dancing with the Stars Tuesday with her dazzling style and personality. She trounced the Palins.
Afterwards Jennifer got a phone call in her dressing room from the president asking her to write him a how-to guide.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)