HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New England Patriots dropped Aaron Hernandez Wednesday after the superstar receiver was charged in a shooting murder. This is a huge story. His lawyer will seek to move the trial out West where he’s innocent until he tries to steal his memorabilia back.
President Obama left for Africa with three airliners, fighter jets, choppers. limos and buses Tuesday. It’s a plan. If we can’t command Vladimir Putin’s respect militarily, we can destroy enough ozone to make him too scared to go horseback riding with his shirt off.
Bill Clinton hailed the Supreme Court striking down the Defense of Marriage Act as unconstitutional Wednesday. It’s a bit ironic. Bill Clinton was the president who signed the Defense of Marriage Act into law, but to be fair to Bill, he was against his own marriage.
Anthony Weiner took a a five-point lead in the N.Y. mayor’s race Tuesday. His story is ironic. Bill Clinton had sex, lied about it and kept his job while Weiner didn’t have sex, lied about it and lost his job so the moral is if you’re going to lie you might as well have sex.
The Food Network was swamped by protests Wednesday demanding that they bring back Paula Deen’s cooking show. Despite her past language nobody seriously thinks she is prejudiced. Paula Deen’s food is designed to kill black people and white people alike.
Paula Deen was on the Today Show with Matt Lauer Wednesday to apologize for past racist remarks. Halfway through the interview, she began sobbing uncontrollably. It just hit her like a ton of bricks when Matt Lauer read her the Emancipaton Proclamation.
Fox News pundit and former UN Ambassador John Bolton hinted he may run for the GOP presidential nomination in three years. The Russians and the Chinese would surely jump when he barks. That’s not a mustache over his lips, that’s a dove in his mouth.
TSA leaker Edward Norton left Hong Kong and headed to Moscow Saturday. His next move would be either Cuba, Venezuela, Ecuador, Iceland or even North Korea. You can book the exact same itinerary by calling the toll-free number at Anti-American Airlines.
The NSA said it’s developed a robotic bird that looks like a bird and spies on people from above. How smart. The NSA has decided to admit the most embarrassing things Ed Snowden can leak before topless backyard sunbathing gets into full swing this summer.
Pat Buchanan said if the immigration bill passes the Hispanic influx could break the U.S. into two nations, two cultures and two languages.
It’s why parents back this bill. Their thinking is, fewer of their kids will move to Los Angeles if everywhere is Los Angeles.
Mexican lawmakers in Mexico City ripped the U.S. Senate plans to tighten the border Tuesday. They accuse us of threatening to invade Mexico. They know that when your two major exports are oil and cocaine, the U.S. desire for your country becomes bi-partisan.
Hillary Clinton’a image appeared on buttons, hats and shirts for sale Tuesday as her campaign got underway. Hollywood’s making a movie about her life in DC right after college. The casting directors are inteviewing sacks of cash to play the role of her first love.
Russia president Vladimir Putin refused the U.S. request to extradite NSA fugitive Ed Snowden and also refused to return the Super Bowl ring that he took from the owner of the New England Patriots. He’s totally in character. Russia’s national bird is a hand gesture.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.