HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Ponderosa Fire raged out of control in Northern California Tuesday, threatening forests for hundreds of square miles. It could have been worse. If gasoline were made from marijuana instead of corn we’d all have to bicycle till the forest could be replenished.
The USA Pro Cycling Challenge race will be held in the Rocky Mountains in Colorado and Utah. It’s a brutal challenge for bicyclists.
Last year a Mormon won even though he wore a dress shirt and a tie and stopped at people’s houses on the way to the finish line.
New York’s Supreme Court refused to permit limo drivers to buy eighteen thousand new Manhattan taxi cab medallions sold by the state.
Getting a ride is a hard scramble. Anytime that three New Yorkers get into a cab without arguing, a bank has just been robbed.
Mitt Romney reported $185 million in cash on hand Sunday while Obama spent $10 million more than he made. The GOP is nervous. If Obama’s numbers get any worse Mitt Romney could take over his campaign, fire everyone and turn it around.
Missouri’s GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin said a woman’s body can shut down during rape to prevent pregnancy. As a result, the GOP is trying to forcefully screw him out of the nomination. He keeps waiting for his body to shut it down but so far it’s not happening.
Paul Ryan was revealed in a shirtless picture by TMZ Sunday to meet the demands of his women fans. It was taken six years ago at a summer family vacation in Oklahoma. To decide where to go, the family spun the oven dial and it landed on one hundred and ten.
Augusta National invited women to join the club for the first time Monday. The club didn’t have to do it. Five years ago, Cadillac dropped out as a Masters sponsor over their no-women policy, and today they’re celebrating their victory in federal receivership.
Joe Biden was reported going to Orlando next week during the GOP Convention after his Secret Service detail made security arrangements there Tuesday. This is cruel. The Democratic Convention will be held in Charlotte, but they told Joe Biden it’ll be in Orlando.
Jay Leno agreed to a huge pay cut at the Tonight Show Monday after NBC downsized the show and fired twenty-five staffers. The audience is bound to suffer. Whenever a joke doesn’t work, Jay has to call India in the middle of the monologue to fix the punch line.
Roger Clemens signed to pitch in the Independent Atlantic League for its franchise in Texas. The former star is fifty years old and he still has a ninety-mile-an-hour fastball. Due to his constitutional right to protection from double jeopardy they can’t try him again.
Prince Harry partied in a Las Vegas pool with dozens of girls in bikinis Tuesday. He was comped by casino managers everywhere he went.
Nobody’s a bigger gambler than a guy who’s bet his future that the monarchy can survive one more marriage to a party girl.
GOP congressman Kevin Yoder apologized for skinny-dipping in the Sea of Galilee in Israel at a GOP House members’ junket last year, now being investigated by the FBI. There’s no scandal here. Republicans have nothing to hide unless you want to see their tax returns.
Leading from Behind is a new book which says Hillary Clinton talked Barack Obama into killing Osama bin Laden after the president cancelled three previous SEAL kill missions in three months. It was excruciating.
President Obama couldn’t pull the trigger until he met with a sports psychologist who told him to pretend it was Winston Churchill.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.