HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Richie Incognito showed all texts with former fellow Miami Dolphin Jonathan Martin Sunday, revealing they’re pals. They exchanged death threats and N-words in good fun. This ends the debate once and for all about whether Dolphins are as intelligent as humans.
MTVs hit reality show Sixteen and Pregnant announced a casting call for Season Five Friday just as MTV’s Teen Mom wrapped up its first season. Talk about shameless. MTV is the first group of people to make money off pregnant teens since slavery was abolished.
Miley Cyrus smoked a joint onstage and twerked with a midget at the MTV Awards Sunday in Holland. That’s our gal. After getting Best Video she showed her patriotism by thanking U.S. veterans for their wonderful work in Mars Attacks and Independence Day.
President Obama met the oldest World War II veteran on Veterans Day. It’s the only war my family ever won. My line of Hamiltons lost the English Civil War, we lost the American Revolution, we lost the Civil War and in the War on Drugs, I fought for Colombia.
Secretary of State John Kerry failed to get Iran to reduce its nuclear capacity Monday as war tensions heightened. He’s been to war, fought a war, denounced the war, then ran for president as a war hero. John Kerry fought in Vietnam for your right to be strange.
President Obama said he’s sorry Americans are losing their health care plans under Obamacare after he said they could keep them. He’s in a tough spot. PETA’s not going to like it next week when President Obama decides to pardon Obamacare and eats the turkey.
Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s lawyer said he may check into rehab Monday. He recently opened a public treatment center for court-ordered drug users and dealers. There was very little that the dealers could say to Mayor Ford except that it was nice to see him again.
Russia’s president Vladimir Putin will travel to Rome this month to meet with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Diplomatic protocol could be tricky. Normally when a former KGB agent goes into a confession booth, he flips a coin with the priest to see who goes first.
President Obama’s approval ratings hit a low in the polls on Monday. The disastrous rollout of his government-mandated health insurance law has resulted in a windfall for conservatives. ObamaCare is now running 20 points behind in the polls to DarwinCare.
France honored French Army soldiers who drove al-Qaeda out of Mali this summer on Monday. A century of training paid off. When the French soldiers threw their arms in the air the al-Qaeda terrorists thought they were pointing at drones and ran for their lives.
Mexico taxed soft drinks and junk food to battle the obesity epidemic last week. The U.N. says Mexico is the world’s most obese nation. Last night, U.S. Border patrol agents pulled over a motor home on the Ventura Freeway and found it packed with two Mexicans.
New Jersey police busted a prostitution ring that was working a senior citizen living community in Englewood. It’s easy work for the hookers. You can pretty much call out anybody’s name at the height of passion and that’s what they’ll go by for the rest of the day.
Silk Road website operator Curtis Green pleaded guilty to dealing billions in illegal drugs online. He utilized untraceable currency and devised a network that made his customers untrackable. If the Democrats ever want to win another federal election, they will parole this guy and have him run the Obamacare website for a piece of the action.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.