God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Archie Comics announced that its Life with Archie comic book which follows Archie in his adult life will have Archie shot and killed in the July issue. It’s a gruesome ending. During a trip to South Africa, Archie’s going to innocently ask if he can use Oscar Pistorious’s bathroom.
Augusta National removed the Eisenhower Tree that blocked the 17th fairway for 80 years when it died. Ike hated the tree because it blocked the green from the fairway. The difference between the tree and the Germans is, Eisenhower never got that mad at the Germans.
Captain America broke April box office records, grossing $300 million at the box office last week. Other movies had bad luck.
In London a showing of Noah had to be canceled due to a flood in the theater, either that or it’s the best 3-D theater in the world.
Mad Men opens its final season Sunday about New York ad agencies in the 60s. It was a different world then. The difference between now and 50 years ago is, today you shout at the drug store clerk for some condoms and you whisper if you would like a pack of cigarettes.
The Game of Thrones season opener drew so many viewers that the HBO website crashed Sunday. It really went haywire. Hundreds of thousands of young adults went on the web site and couldn’t see the show, but the next morning they had health insurance they don’t need.
San Francisco cops are looking for vandals who are tipping over Smart Cars parked on the street. No one likes the little communist earth-mobiles. Last night a jogger in Beverly Hills was struck by a Smart Car and they had to take him to the hospital to get it removed.
The White House warned Russia of consequences Tuesday if they invade eastern Ukraine as threatened. There are ways to cripple Russia’s economy. The best idea is to declare Russia a small business and force it to comply with Obamacare, and in six months it will be a thrift shop.
President Obama discussed with reporters his trip to Japan, South Korea, Malaysia and the Philippines in two weeks Tuesday. His staff had to plan the trip with a protractor. Air Force One could be subject to international re-possession laws if it’s parked too close to China.
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush watched the NCAA final together in Dallas Monday They’ll never change. After the game, Bill Clinton told a U Conn cheerleader about job opportunities in the world of non-profit foundations, and Bush gave Kentucky a Mission Accomplished banner.
Ohio State seniors demanded a say as to who’ll be their graduation speaker in June. The speeches can inspire or they can give false hope. At Los Angeles graduations the speakers urge students to follow their dreams, and all they wind up with are multiple restraining orders.
Miami politician Carlos Lopez was arrested by cops who found a meth pipe hidden inside his rectum. One thing is clear now. You may not be an addict just because you once smoked meth but you’re definitely an addict if you find yourself asking Carlos Lopez to pass you the pipe.
Jeb Bush in a Fox News interview Friday called illegal immigration into the United States by Mexico’s people an act of love. A remark like that could cause a war. Mexicans have been called a lot things over the years but they’ve never been accused of having a fence fetish till now.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.