BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NPR asked its audience to call Congress and fight GOP efforts to end federal funding Friday, saying NPR gets criticized as often for being too conservative as they get criticized for being too liberal.
The phones rang off the hook.
The FBI had just issued a warning asking Americans to watch out for anybody using fertilizer for anything besides lawn care.   
President Obama held a press conference Friday to address the skyrocketing price of oil and consumer pain at the pump. The nation’s highest gas prices are in Beverly Hills.
Last night Lindsay Lohan was videotaped walking out of a hardware store with a siphon hose around her neck.
Leonardo DiCaprio’s new film “Red Riding Hood” opened in movie theaters this past weekend. It’s the first movie he’s ever produced.
The difference between Leonardo DiCaprio and Charlie Sheen is that Charlie knows what it’s like to be on a sinking ship.   
Charlie Sheen sued Warner Bros Thursday and demanded custody of his twins from Brooke Mueller. She’s had cocaine problems and is now in day rehab.
Last week Child Services removed the twins from the couple’s house and put them in a safer environment — Libya.   
Beyonce admitted Tuesday that she’s performed home concerts for Moammar Khadaffi, as did Usher and Mariah Carey. He pays celebrities $2 million a show. And all this time we thought it was cocaine that was causing all these anti-Semitic outbursts in show business.
“Battle: Los Angeles” drew huge crowds to movie theaters this weekend.
Moviegoers weren’t sure what they’d be seeing. When the advance press said it’s about a huge number of aliens who take over Los Angeles, everyone just assumed it was a documentary.
Wisconsin protesters tried to stop a state Senate vote reducing public union powers Thursday. Republicans were embarrassed to find themselves in the odd position of defending democracy.
The Wisconsin legislature is the only circus where the elephants sweep up after the clowns.
The N.Y. Times reported Moammar Khadaffi can pay his army indefinitely because he has tens of billions of cash stashed in hiding places in Libya. That’s why there’s no military response.
Our smart bombs can only find nuclear facilities, not hordes of cash, and for that we’d have to drop actresses.
Homeland Security began testing mobile vans with body scanners attached to long-ranged cameras for street surveillance. People are afraid that pictures of their genitals will turn up on the Internet. No one’s told them that without pictures of genitals, there’d be no Internet.
Saudi Arabian security forces fired dummy grenades and rubber bullets Thursday to break up two hundred pro-democracy demonstrators.
Americans were riveted by the news footage. Every demonstrator that falls knocks another nickel off the price of gasoline.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)