“Pope Francis, I have never been to Catholic confession before, but I have a few things I have to get off my chest.”
“Go on, Barack.”
“Between you and me, pontiff, I can’t believe I am president. There I was, trying my hand at presidential debates, and all of a sudden I am sitting in the Oval Office. Now I need all the help I can get.”
“Help, Barack?”
“This job is getting to me, pontiff. The majority of Americans dislike ObamaCare, my signature achievement. Republicans are blocking everything I want to do. And every time I blink, some Third World dictator is challenging me to a duel. It’s no wonder my disapproval rating just hit a record high.”
“You have the hardest job in the world, Barack. Your woes are to be expected. But how can I help you?”
“Pontiff, you have to put in a good word for me with the Big Guy. I wonder if you can arrange a divine intervention?”
“You know I can’t do that, Barack. The purpose of confession is for you to examine your conscience.”
“What is this thing you call conscience, pontiff?”
“Oy vey! Barack, a conscience is what helps you decide how to act and what to say.”
“I thought that’s what the polls were for.”
“Look, Barack, we all understand that at times a president has to stretch the truth when negotiating with enemies or even his political opposition. It is part of the art of politics. But you have to admit that some of your words went over the line.”
“But all I said was that if they liked their insurance policies and doctors, they could keep them. It’s not my fault the fools believed me.”
“Barack, this is one thing that worries me about you. You are a man with tremendous gifts. We all wish for you to use those gifts to bring people together.”
“Pontiff?”
“As a believer, you know that all things on this Earth are temporary. The greater glory is yet to come, but only if we pass the test.”
“What test is that, pontiff?”
“There is good in the world and there is evil, Barack. These two forces are battling for the rights to your soul.”
“They are? I thought it was just the teachers unions and the trial lawyers.”
“With every decision any of us make, we are either moving toward good or away from it. It is what our Lord meant when he said, ‘You are either with me or against me.’”
“Funny, that’s what Pelosi and Reid keep telling me.”
“Barack, just as an individual can lose his way, I believe your country is losing its way. Your debt and deficit are out of control. Your entitlement programs and tax system need to be reformed. But you are making no progress on these matters because your people are divided, cynical and often uninformed. When this happens, the enemy makes great progress.”
“I’m with you, pontiff. Those Republicans can be nasty!”
“Barack, too many Americans care more about their own comfort, wealth and material well-being than they do about virtue, sacrifice and truth. They are losing the ability to think critically and solve problems logically. They are making poor decisions. As a republic’s people soften, so goes the republic.”
“Let me get this right, pontiff. You think America is growing soft and you want me to use my talents to help the American people understand our challenges and then lead a collaborative effort with my political opposition to address them?”
“You have the skills to do this, Barack, and your people are hungry for such leadership.”
“Fair enough, pontiff. But how do you suggest I get started?”
“Have you ever considered a retreat, Barack?”
“Pontiff, if you can get the land, I know some timber interests who can get us the lumber.”
Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.