HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama expressed anger Monday over the leaked WikiLeaks documents revealing the secret content of trans-Atlantic State Department cables. He is livid.
Obama left specific directions that the U.S. and Britain were not to run the world.
Hillary Clinton was revealed by WikiLeaks Monday to have ordered U.S. diplomats to spy on U.N. delegates from other countries. She wanted to know everything.
When you’ve been with Bill Clinton for 40 years you know better than to take anyone’s story at face value.
WikiLeaks documents were reportedly leaked to the website by a22-year-old U.S. intelligence analyst.
He’s right out of school.
Some day Ivy League schools may be held liable for the damage their products cause, just like cigarette makers and gun manufacturers.
Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah was revealed by WikiLeaks Monday to be lobbying the U.S. to bomb Iran’s nuclear plants. The cables also acknowledge that the Saudis support al-Qaeda.
In other revelations, top secret diplomatic cables reported that Charlie Sheen is single again.
Afghan officials charged Friday the man whom they believed was the senior Taliban commander with whom they held secret talks was an impostor. The signs were right there. Every time the chit-chat turned to Texas high school football the guy crossed himself.
Obama needed 12 stitches in his lip after he got elbowed in the mouth playing basketball Friday. He’s OK now.
The doctor had no trouble stopping the bleeding, but it took glassworkers two days to glue his Teleprompter back together in time for work Monday. 
Homeland Security said Monday it’s planning a new terror alert warning code to replace yellow, orange and red alerts. They want everyone’s full attention.
Instead of color codes they’re just going to tell you if the TSA is playing hard to get today.   
Pope Benedict issued a ruling permitting the use of condoms Friday.
It’s highly conditional. He said condoms may be used only on two occasions, by male prostitutes to prevent the spread of AIDS, and by Protestants to prevent the spread of golf.
South Korea’s president responded carefully to North Korean attacks Monday. He named a new defense minister Kim to replace former defense minister Kim to confront North Korea’s leader Kim, who’s grooming his heir Kim. Every year the north’s Dear Leader says that voter confusion costs him the title of People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Willie Nelson was arrested on his tour bus for pot by Texas Border Patrol agents Friday.
It’s a human rights issue.
Illegal aliens need to know if cowboys with the munchies are going to be cruising Texas roads late at night after the convenience stores have closed.
Bristol Palin thanked her mother’s supporters for their votes for her on Dancing with the Stars. It got more political as the weeks went by.
Every time Bristol Palin advanced to the next week, the Tea Party claimed a national mandate, and whenever she slipped on the dance floor, the New York Times reported that BP suffered another massive spill.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)