Happy Thursday, everybody, and God bless America.
The United States soccer team stunned Ghana in the first round of the World Cup, setting off wild celebrations across the USA on Monday. The mood was jubilant. President Obama had to be forcibly restrained from declaring victory in Brazil and bringing our boys back home.
U.S. Special Forces landed in Libya and captured the leader of the attack on our consulate in Benghazi three years ago. The terrorist was immediately placed on a transport ship back to Washington D.C. Now the president has to work fast to beat the July 1 trading deadline.
Joe Biden was in the stands Monday to cheer the U.S. soccer team in its victory over Ghana in the opening game in the World Cup. Afterwards he got a congratulatory call from the president. Joe made it through the entire game without causing an international incident.
Iraqi locals in towns conquered by al-Qaeda rebels say rebel leaders are already taking bribes for favors, hiring relatives, and taking money under the table from contractors. That’s amazing. In only a month they they’ve managed to establish an American-style democracy.
Baghdad was rocked by sectarian violence Tuesday where Sunnis set off bombs in Shiite neighborhoods ahead of the advancing terrorist army. The U.S. just sent aid. It will allow the Iraqis to buy the things they don’t have, things like medicine and weapons of mass destruction.
President Obama sent 300 troops to protect the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad that used to be Saddam Hussein’s palace. When U.S. troops entered the dictator’s bedroom 10 years ago, they found lamps shaped like naked women, a mirror over the bed, condoms that glow in the dark and 10 cases of Scotch. We sent 100,000 troops to overthrow Dean Martin.
North Korea’s dictator Kim Jung Un toured his rickety submarine fleet Monday claiming they will soon be equipped with ICBMs that can reach the U.S. Seventy percent of Americans in a recent poll think that Kim Jung Un exaggerates the size of his missile threat. Hey, he’s a guy.
Congress demanded the IRS explain how they lost IRS official Lois Lerner’s emails about targeting conservatives during the 2012 election. The president may have nothing to worry about. It shows non-believers the miracles that can occur if you’ll just go to church twice a year.
Hillary Clinton went on Fox News Tuesday and was interviewed by the Fox News anchors as the bevy of beautiful Fox News contributors watched the interview from the green room. Her husband stayed outside the Fox News studio. The restraining order says 200 yards.
L.A. marked the 20th anniversary of O.J. Simpson’s freeway car chase Tuesday. During the chase O.J.’s pals talked to him on the cell phone and kept him from shooting himself. It made viewers so disappointed it would soon be illegal to drive and talk on the cell phone in California.
Florida police arrested a 450- pound motorist who hid 23 grams of cocaine inside his body fat at a traffic stop Monday. The cocaine was rooted out by drug-sniffing dogs. Suddenly, the dogs they became made the dogs they had been look monogamous.
Pete Rose returned to baseball for one day Monday to manage an independent Atlantic League pro team. There is huge pressure to forgive and reinstate him. NSA advisor Susan Rice told the Sunday talk shows that Pete Rose served in Las Vegas with honor and distinction.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.