HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Pentagon couldn’t explain a trail of smoke in the sky indicating a missile was fired over the U.S. from just off the coast of Los Angeles Monday.
It could only have been launched by an order from Washington D.C. Nancy Pelosi simply refuses to leave quietly. 
Speaker Nancy Pelosi threw a party for House Democrats in Washington Wednesday to applaud her Congress’s legislative triumphs.
She rose to become the first woman Speaker.
That’s the furthest that anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover.
John Boehner was urged Monday to abolish the two-year-old Office of Congressional Investigations.
It has referred nine black congressmen to the Ethics Committee. The Congressional Black Caucus begins each meeting with a prayer followed by the Posting of the Lookout.
President Obama addressed the Muslim world Wednesday, saying the U.S. will never be at war with Islam.
That should settle the question of the president’s religion once and for all.
Only a real Christian would still turn his cheek after this many strikes.
Obama met with the Group of Twenty leaders in South Korea Thursday a day after he printed up and released $600 billion into circulation.
The other leaders were puzzled.
Guys who do this usually hold their conferences in North Korea.
Sarah Palin ripped the Federal Reserve’s decision to simply print $600 billion Tuesday.
She was seconded by Germany, Britain and China.
MSNBC had to explain to their viewers that every now and then a 6-year-old closes her eyes and hits a homer.
Mike Huckabee agreed to preach a sermon to a family group in Iowa Sunday. He’s only been sober from running for president for two years.
Watching a collection plate go around the room for the benefit of someone else could cause him to relapse and announce.
Alaska GOP Sen. Lisa Murkowski sweated out her Senate election vote recount Thursday which required Alaskans to write in her name. The state is 10-to-one mountain men and her future depends on their spelling a Polish name correctly and neatly.
At the last count she was trailing in third place behind Joe Miller and Lease a Mexican Jet Ski. 
London had rioting Wednesday by college students who were upset after the Tory government tripled their tuition costs.
Austerity isn’t fun.
Nobody wants to think of the damage U.S. college students would cause if House Republicans tripled the price of beer.
Homeland Security was denounced by women’s groups Wednesday over the TSA’s new policy of groping breasts and groins at security gates.
Then there’s the inconvenience.
The dinner and movie before each pat down is adding hours to the length of every flight.
Holiday Inn finished a billion dollar upgrade to their 1,400 hotels on Tuesday. It’s a new look.
Each room now has plush carpeting, flat screen TV’s, gas fireplaces, luxury bedding and towels that are so thick you can barely shut your suitcase.
Mel Gibson’s former girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, was placed under investigation for extortion for taping Mel’s rants with a microphone hidden in a diamond earring and then demanding money.
It’s changed dating protocols in L.A. Couples here now wait until the third date before they come home together and go over each other with a security wand.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)