HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama savaged President Rutherford B. Hayes Friday for resisting the telephone. Actually he was the first president to appreciate the possibilities of the phone. You cannot imagine how much time he wasted trying to have telegraph sex with his intern.
Washington D.C. residents were sickened by a foul odor Friday due to hot weather. The smell was caused by insects which pollenated on early-ripening trees thinking the bark was rotting flesh. It’s a trick by Republicans to remove them so that oil drilling can begin.
Rick Santorum campaigned in Illinois Friday and he repeated his vow to get rid of all Internet porn, hotel room porn and porn sold at video stores. People could be forced to go out of their homes and interact with each other in person. It could bring back the Disco Era.
Obama revealed his NCAA bracket picks in an ESPN special along with his Final Four selections Thursday. It caused eyes to roll.
Energy companies complained that it was just another example of the federal government picking the winners and losers.
Iran president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was called to the Council of Mullahs Tuesday and rebuked. They want a new president. If the mullahs wants someone who can make Israel give up half of what they own, they should swap their nuclear program for Bernie Madoff.
Prime Minister David Cameron met with Wall Street chiefs Thursday. Talks focused on the need to remove barriers to trans-Atlantic capital flow. They want to take a half second off the one second it takes for cash to go from New York to London to the Bahamas.
The Discovery Channel aired a new documentary called Frozen Planet about animal life in Antarctica. It’s perilous. Due to the warm winter, the penguin mating ritual of walking two hundred miles to seduce a mate has been reduced to insincere chit-chat in the hot tub.  
CBS Sports enjoyed big ratings for the NCAA Tournament due to college basketball’s popularity on Saturday. It’s so different from the NBA. The players go all out for the entire game and referees have no idea how the game’s going to come out before it’s played.
The Washington Post reports Osama bin Laden had ordered al-Qaeda to shoot down Obama’s plane so Joe Biden could become president.
His reasoning was simple. He thought Joe Biden was unprepared to be president because he never lived in Indonesia.
Peyton Manning worked out with Denver Broncos wide receivers Friday as he shops teams. There was a dramatic scene in the locker room. In a true test of Christian charity, Tim Tebow was asked to lay his hands on Peyton Manning’s neck and then pack his things.
Tiger Woods dropped out of the Doral WGC after the twelfth hole Sunday. Helicopter cams followed him as he drove away with golfer Webb Simpson. When NBC announced he was in an SUV with Simpson going up the freeway the police put out an APB for Tiger’s ex-wife.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)