Thanks to Donald Trump and the Chicago Cubs my outlandish predictions for 2016 were eclipsed by, of all things, reality. Worse, the fine art of fake news was commandeered by demons who used it for social and political gain--something my colleagues and I would never have dreamed possible.
Never mind the recap. Here’s a handy clip ‘n save Precap of news certain to occur in 2017.
Jan. 1--President Obama rings in the New Year by making good on his pledge to “assist President-elect Trump in any way possible” as he signs the lease for an apartment in Trump Tower.
Jan. 20--Chief Justice John Roberts looks on as Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey administers a 140-character version of the oath of office to the nation’s 45th president.
Jan. 21--At the administration’s first White House press briefing, a correspondent from Breitbart News asks for comment on reports that “millions of illegal immigrants are using fraudulent manufacturers’ coupons, making it impossible for honest Americans to get their fair share at the supermarket.”
Feb. 5--In Houston, the Super Bowl halftime show is delayed for 38 minutes while Lady Gaga’s ability to stay on key is tested as part of the NFL’s strict new Music Protocol.
Feb. 18--President Trump travels to Moscow to attend groundbreaking ceremonies for a Trump Hotel and Casino. Trump pledges the project “will create as many as 900 new jobs.”
Mar. 11--Owners of Tribune Online Content (TRONC) announce another name change. The media conglomerate will now be known as First American Resource Technologies.
Mar. 22--CNN expands its roster of paid Trump apologists to include David Buono, the head golf professional at Mar-a-Lago.
Apr. 2--President Trump tells Sean Hannity that his cabinet “will rotate in a way I learned at dinner parties.” Every three months, cabinet members will move two seats to their right--so that Ben Carson, for example, having served three months as Housing Secretary, will spend the next three months as Secretary of State, and so forth.
Apr. 26--Samsung releases its Galaxy Note 8 with a built-in Smoke Alarm app.
May 4--According to Breitbart News, Barack Obama will build his presidential library in Nairobi, Kenya.
June 14--At a news conference in Chappaqua, N.Y., Hillary Clinton announces she is reluctantly dropping her effort to overturn election results in Michigan. “It’s time to move on,” she tells reporters, “so we can focus on challenges in Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.”
June 15--Ivanka Trump appears at the Neiman Marcus in Scottsdale, Arizona, to launch her Baby Trump line of resort wear for affluent Republican toddlers.
July 20--Breitbart News publishes emails from Nancy Pelosi’s doctor revealing that the House Minority Leader suffers from addictions to marijuana and Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
July 25--The White House abruptly cancels an order for three KOHLER Santa Rosa Comfort Height Elongated 1.28 GPF toilets after President Trump complains that the Obama Administration failed to negotiate a favorable deal.
July 26--House Speaker Paul Ryan says Wisconsin-based Kohler could suffer “irreparable damage.”
Aug. 2--Six reporters from the Huffington Post travel to Wisconsin to probe Toiletgate.
Aug. 3--In a phone call to “Fox & Friends,” President Trump says he has reinstated the toilet deal and sweetened it with tax breaks after obtaining a pledge that Kohler will never, ever, contemplate leaving Kohler, Wisconsin.
Sept. 16--Pollster Frank Luntz launches a weekly series on Fox News Channel titled “The Undecideds,” in which “ordinary Americans” discuss why they are still unable to choose between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.
Oct. 13--In Stockholm, the Nobel Prize in Literature is awarded to Miley Cyrus.
Nov. 8--President Trump visits the Barnes & Noble on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan to sign copies of a book containing his campaign speeches titled “The Art of the Spiel.”
Nov. 23--Donald Trump becomes the first president in modern history to deny clemency to the National Turkey on Thanksgiving. “There will be no pardons until each bird is properly vetted,” he tweets. “We don’t even know where these turkeys are coming from!”
Nov. 24--At a rally carried live by CNN, FNC and MSNBC, Alt-right leader Richard Spencer tells a crowd of 18 people in North Carolina that repeated use of the term Black Friday is “an effort by left wing media to make white Americans feel disenfranchised on the nation’s most sacred shopping day.”
Dec. 1--President and Mrs. Trump begin a month-long holiday at the new Trump Hotel and Casino in Kaohsiung, Taiwan. Vice President and Mrs. Pence travel to the Holiday Inn Express in Indianapolis.
Dec. 31--With the entire Trump Administration still on vacation, Designated Survivor Kellyanne Conway offers New Year’s greetings via Mark Zuckerberg’s new channel FFNN, the Facebook Fake News Network.
Peter Funt is a writer and speaker