HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Washington Monument was closed due to cracks in the concrete after Tuesday’s quake hit the capital.
Rumors that the monument was leaning turned out to be false.
It’s been standing up straight for 100 years and it may be time to consult a physician.
Bill Clinton discussed his vegan diet Friday, saying while vegetarians don’t eat meat, poultry, fish or seafood, vegans also shun dairy, eggs or honey.
His motives are clear.
He plans to live long enough for the Constitution to be amended so he can have another term.
Rodney King was charged in Los Angeles with driving drunk and under the influence of marijuana on the freeway Thursday. The courts will throw it out as usual.
According to California state law, as long as Rodney isn’t texting while driving, it isn’t worth the riot.
Son of Sam serial killer David Berkowitz refused a parole hearing Friday after 35 years.
Thank God he’s staying in prison.
All we need is the Son of Sam loose on the street and we’d be living in the last year of the Carter Administration on a continuous loop.   
Dick Cheney’s friends read copies of his soon-to-be released memoir Friday and said the book pulls no punches. He thought Condi Rice was naïve and Colin Powell deceptive.
In the last chapter he confirms a long-held suspicion that he’s Luke Skywalker’s real father.   
National Geographic interviewed George W. Bush Sunday on the World Trade Center attack.
The choice of the network is no accident.
President Bush and National Geographic developed a relationship when they used to call each other before an invasion to discuss the new maps.
President Obama spent last week playing golf and bicycling on Martha’s Vineyard on his vacation. It’s a down time for government.
The president was away on vacation for 10 days, allowing Joe Biden to walk around the White House naked while he house sits.
Hurricane Irene approached North Carolina Thursday carrying 120 mile an hour winds. Already it’s a partisan issue.
Republicans called it a chance for the fittest to survive, and Al Gore called for new regulations on industry to combat global blowing.
Obama announced he’s going to give a major speech next month to divulge his plan to produce jobs.
He does this four times a year.
Obama is like the bridegroom who spends all night sitting on the edge of the bed telling the bride how good it’s going to be.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)