Dear Santa –
We need to talk.
It’s been many years since I last wrote you. Like 50. Apparently my last letter was mis-delivered since you never brought me a hatchet, new puppy, or Ant Farm.
But I digress.
This year I’m trying to give you the heads up. You see, things are changing down here in the lower 48. And unless you adapt with the times, next year you might be working at a strip mall in El Paso.
There is a reason you haven’t received many letters this year. Kids don’t write. They don’t know what a pencil is. Schools don’t even teach cursive. And, if you want to know what kids are thinking these days, get a smart phone, go on Twitter and start following Kylie Kardashian.
Yeah it’s messed up. And when you activate your phone, you might want to check out the apps people are selling that misappropriate your likeness. Promising a call from Santa, for instance, provided you register with gobs of data they will sell.
Also, don’t come down here unless you have your mumps shot. There is an epidemic going on.
Some ‘so-called’ experts are trashing you and saying you are no longer family friendly. They claim its “terrifying” that a North Pole has an intelligence agency which judges children to be naughty or nice. These days every kid is a princess, awesome, the best and amazing — no matter the facts. Everyone is a winner. Just ask them.
Others are expressing concern that the notion that a stranger enters homes in the middle of night could cause anxiety in small children. Kids are asking their parents “will Santa activate the security alarm?”
There are some other things. The reindeer thing? History. Try Uber. Yes, there’s surge pricing but you might get a good rating while being driven by Dave in a four door Honda with air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror. Plus you can avoid the protests by PFR – People For Rudolph.
There are some other things. You might be attacked by fat shamming. The beard thing scares people unless you are George Clooney.
Fake news is rampant. So that story you read about all the kids helping the poor is bogus.
Other news. Bad Santa 2 is currently playing. It’s not a Disney movie. Some of your ‘helpers’ are going rogue down here. Maybe you heard about the guy in a Santa suit who robbed a Canadian golf shop. Twice.
Forget gift wrapping. That’s outdated. Kids want to see the gift immediately so they can reject it, grab their I-phone and order something more expensive. Forget footballs, soccer balls and any other contact sport. Kids these days are playing new games using virtual reality. That involves wearing a huge device on your face, sitting on a couch and reaching for the ceiling.
One hot item is the Barbie Glamour jet. It comes with three seats and a food cart offering meals and drinks. These days everyone wants their own jet. No kid could possibly envision flying commercial.
Your phone is probably hacked. Those intemperate text messages to Mrs. Claus when you had a few too many vodka tonics may surface on WikiLeaks. Other things — some people may have moved since the election, though that is primarily in California.
That’s it.
Travel safe, big fella, and Merry Christmas one and all!
Matthew Keenan