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Say it isn't so, Tarzan
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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tarzan’s pet chimpanzee, Cheetah, died at the age of 80 on Wednesday.
Everyone adored the lovable chimp.
The people in North Korea who were shown crying during Kim Jong Il’s funeral procession Wednesday had just been told the sad news about Cheetah.
Titanic Memorial Cruise sold out two cruises in April that will duplicate the Titanic’s original crossing 100years ago.
That’s not all.
Fannie Mae just announced new sub-prime second mortgage rates to duplicate the original crossing of the Hindenberg.
The Parents Television Council ripped TV networks Monday for the casual portrayal of adultery on prime-time dramas.
It reflects the culture.
The adultery rate is so high that Mitt Romney could lose Iowa because he does not share the values of mainstream America.
Richard Nixon was described in a new biography Sunday as a heavy drinker who took mood-altering drugs, hit his wife and had gay affairs with campaign donors.
If it were true we would’ve heard about it long before now.
It’s not like Richard Nixon didn’t have any enemies.
The USS John Stennis aircraft carrier entered the Persian Gulf this Tuesday.
It’s named after the long-serving U.S. senator from Mississippi.
The Stennis’s mission is to open the gulf and convince the Shiites and Sunnis that segregation can buy them 100 years of peace.
Houston police arrested a witness Tuesday whose friend stabbed a man and robbed him of his Air Jordan shoes.
The company can’t make enough of them to meet demand.
President Obama is thinking of invading Vietnam to secure America’s supply of child labor.
Pennsylvania’s former U.S. Sen. Arlen Specter went on stage and performed stand-up comedy for three minutes at a Philadelphia comedy club Tuesday.
He absolutely loved it.
It was such a high to beat cancer that now he wants to die onstage every night.
The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas will unveil new technology that’ll allow viewers to watch 3-D shows on TV without wearing 3-D glasses.
In one test they asked a dozen men to watch the Playboy Channel in 3-D without 3-D glasses.
Two men lost an eye.
The Muslim Brotherhood won the second round of elections in Egypt Tuesday.
These guys raise money through merchandise sales.
They market their own Muslim Talking Barbie doll, but no one knows what she says because no one has the nerve to pull the string.
Iran threatened to close the Straits of Hormuz if the U.S. slaps banking sanctions upon Iran Wednesday.
No one knows how this’ll end.
The Navy’s been practicing for years on a way to keep the straits open but nobody’s ever practiced a way keep the banks open.
Newt Gingrich continued falling in the Iowa polls Wednesday, prompting him to label front-runner Ron Paul’s ideas as un-American.
Newt is trying to pick up the support of GOP libertarians by insulting them.
It’s a political strategy known in Washington as retirement.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at