BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Al-Qaeda ordered an assassination hit on cartoonist Molly North Tuesday for sponsoring a Draw the Prophet Mohammed contest for cartoonists. The FBI issued a statement saying they can’t protect her.
They’re under presidential orders to protect the Prophet Mohammed.
France’s first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy was quoted Thursday saying Michelle Obama told her she hates being first lady of the United States.
That is demonstrably untrue.
Michelle Obama loves the United States or she wouldn’t return to the United States every six weeks.
New York’s Tea Party governor candidate Carl Paladino mailed a manure-scented brochure to voters on Thursday saying something stinks in the state capital.
It didn’t work. People just thought it was their monthly mortgage statement and threw it into the trash.
Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell won the Delaware GOP Senate primary Tuesday. She strongly advocates teen abstinence from sex.
The key to the Tea Party’s success is to find voters who are frustrated, and if they aren’t, to make them frustrated.       
Jimmy Carter told CBS News Thursday that Senator Teddy Kennedy killed his health care reform bill 30 years ago to deny him credit for it. Don’t blame the senator.
The health care reform bill knew better than to get into the car with Teddy when he’d been drinking.
The White House released data showing that 100,000 homes a month are being repossessed and one in seven Americans live in poverty. Even the rich are getting nervous.
The new super-charged Porsche Carrera is a two-seater, one’s a bed and one’s a toilet.
Forbes ran an article Friday tracing President Obama’s anti-colonialism to his Kenyan father’s belief that free markets plunder the Third World. The solution is to make it work for both sides.
In Borneo, they love Domino’s pizza, not for the pizza, but for the delivery guy.
The Weather Channel reported a tornado warning in New York Thursday.
High winds and lightning and thunderstorms battered Central Park as funnel clouds formed above.
At four o’clock the wind reached tornado force and blew the hair off the roof of Trump Tower.   
The N.Y. Jets apologized for their locker room sexual harassment of Mexican TV reporter Ines Sainz. It became an international incident.
The Obama administration was ready to defend the Mexican sports caster in court but it turns out she entered the locker room legally.
South Dakota officials said Friday Amish families are moving to South Dakota to get their families out of Pennsylvania. Some of the Amish teenagers in Lancaster have become engaged in drug dealing.
They’re the ones you see going down the streets in horse-drawn Escalades.   
Fox News profiled a deep-sea fisherman in the Bahamas Thursday who caught a Tiger Shark which had eaten another fisherman earlier in the week. The victim’s leg was still in the shark’s teeth after four days.
This is what happens when you don’t floss.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)