HOLLYWOOD God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama announced that U.S. forces killed Osama bin Laden Sunday, then he gave himself credit for analyzing intelligence, organizing the mission and giving the kill order.
The play didn’t quite go as the president diagrammed.
The intended target was Donald Trump.
Obama ordered U.S. Navy Seals to chopper into Pakistan and kill bin Laden Sunday after discovering his hideout last fall.
Why did he wait so long?
If he’d turned imperialist only a month earlier, he might have been invited to the Royal Wedding.
Obama watched the bin Laden raid from the White House on a live TV feed transmitted through helmet cams worn by the Navy Seals. He witnessed the entire firefight in real time.
Everyone in Oslo’s mortified to realize they gave the Nobel Peace Prize to Jack Bauer.
bin Laden was found in a home a mile from a golf club and Pakistan’s military academy. Nice digs.
When Obama heard that bin Laden was near a golf course, it took the Secret Service to prevent him from getting on the helicopter with the Navy Seals.
Pakistan said Sunday they didn’t know bin Laden was hiding in Abbottabad.
He was in a high-security, high-walled estate in a slum neighborhood.
U.S. astronauts will split the $25 million reward for noticing something fishy from the Space Station.
The CIA tracked bin Laden to a mansion in Pakistan that didn’t have Internet and didn’t any have telephone service. How thrifty.
He was able to save $300 a month in utilities by having sex with the woman physically in the room with him.
The Pentagon conducted identity tests on Osama bin Laden’s corpse before burying him at sea Sunday. They went over him from head to toe.
They knew it was him but they just had to make sure there was no oil in him before they dumped him into the ocean.
The Pentagon told how the Seals identified bin Laden Sunday when they stormed the compound.
They asked his wife if the man in bed with her was Osama.
Now everyone in the White House is hoping we didn’t send in our elite U.S. Navy fighters to kill a pool boy.
bin Laden was buried at sea in a solemn ceremony Sunday after he was killed by U.S. Navy Seals in a CIA-planned raid.
For our intelligence services it was a mixed bag.
They placed his body on a board and lowered it into the water, but he still isn’t talking.
U.S. Navy Seals loaded bin Laden’s corpse on their helicopter after killing him Sunday.
They cleaned the body according to Islamic burial custom, then tossed it into the ocean. T
Two hours later the first class of sharks graduated from terrorist training camp.
bin Laden left behind a martyr’s audiotape to be played in case he was killed. He was relieved to die.
His lifelong dream was to destroy the United States but in the end, 70 million Baby Boomers proved to be just too much competition for him.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)