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HOLLYWOOD --God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Bob Hope’s trustees put up his household items and keepsakes for auction Monday for charity. They already donated 50 years of Bob’s TV and radio monologues to the Smithsonian Museum. Over the years only the voters have sent more jokes to Washington.
The New England Patriots dropped the hammer on Tim Tebow and cut him from the squad Saturday. He may work for ESPN as a commentator. It’s great news for people who always wanted to watch SportsCenter and the Billy Graham Crusade at the same time.
Johnny Manziel led Texas A&M to victory after he’d been suspended for the first half but he was pulled from the game late for taunting. The next chapter is no mystery. In every Tennessee Williams play he ends up drunk, impotent and married to Elizabeth Taylor.
Allstate gave its annual list of safe driving cities Friday and said Washington D.C. has the worst drivers in the United States. They’re not kidding. The traffic is so dangerous in Washington that tourists who visit the Lincoln Memorial swear they’ve seen Abe lift his leg.
Alec Baldwin’s stalker Genevieve Sobourin turned down a plea deal in New York court that would allow her to avoid jail time. She believes they have a relationship. Stalking is when two people go for a long and romantic walk together and only one of them knows it.
The Temple of Zeus in Athens hosted a revival ceremony of religious believers in the twelve Greek gods of classical mythology. Myths have practical applications in our daily lives. For instance, the tooth fairy teaches children they can make money selling body parts.
Michelle Obama’s lunch menu was dropped by Los Angeles schools because children won’t eat the food. She means well. Last night at the dinner table, Michelle gave the president a scolding look and told him no more wars until he finishes the ones on his plate.
President Obama meets in Sweden tonight with Scandinavian nations’ leaders to talk about the Mideast attack. They love our bi-racial president. Four years ago they awarded his black half the Nobel Peace Prize and tonight his white half will be named Viking of the Year.
President Obama appeared set to try to overthrow his third Arab leader Friday. He’s so ambitious. After saving Big Banks and doubling the stock market, President Obama already wrapped up the title of Worst Socialist in History, now he’s going for Worst Muslim.
President Obama went on TV Saturday and announced his intention to sell Congress on the idea of attacking Syria. It was forceful. Fifty years from now, defense contractors will gather on the White House lawn to commemorate the president’s I Have a Drone speech.
President Obama said Saturday he has the authority to attack Syria and then he said he will ask Congress for the authority to attack Syria. No one knows his next move. He spent the rest of the Labor Day weekend huddled with his two closest advisors, Yes and No.
GOP senators met with President Obama Monday and urged him to hit Syria hard with a surgical strike on army targets. It never fails. The politicians who call for a surgical strike are the same ones who hit someone in the stands when they throw out the first pitch.
Fox News showed Syrian citizens disregarding a possible U.S. attack by nonchalantly playing Bingo in outdoor cafes in Damascus Saturday. They were still a bit edgy. Every time the Bingo emcee shouted B-52 the Syrians looked up and jumped under their tables.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at