HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Newt Gingrich told the CPAC convention he’ll replace Social Security with individual retirement accounts if he’s president. It’s high time.
Americans have been paying into Social Security for 70 years and there are more old people now than the day it started.
Mitt Romney spoke to CPAC Friday and declared himself “severely conservative.”
The adverb “severely” is most often used with the words “ill” and “limited” and “retarded.”
If he was any prouder to be a conservative he would have described himself as one of the good Germans.
Sarah Palin ripped HBO’s “Game Change” about her vice presidential race Sunday.
They unfairly assert Sarah was in over her head. Under the same circumstances any one of us could have told Katie Couric that Neiman Marcus is the first president of the Philippines.
Donald Trump revealed Friday he’ll build a four-star hotel near the White House. I
t’s pure Trump. He says the hotel will be taller than the Martin Luther King monument, it’ll be wider than the Washington Monument, with more arm chairs than the Lincoln Memorial.
President Obama reversed himself on forcing churches to give women contraceptive coverage Friday.
He also reversed his opposition to campaign PACs and started one for himself. Back when he lived in Hawaii flip-flops were shoes, now they are career extenders.
Obama got 20 percent of Republican votes in a Friday Gallup poll.
It is not that surprising.
In four years he’s failed to raise taxes on the rich and he’s played 80 rounds of golf, and that’s all the Northeastern wing of the GOP asks of any president.
Jack Kennedy was named as a lover by his intern, Mimi Alford, in a book last week.
He was also seeing Marilyn Monroe, Anne Meyer, Phyllis McGwire and Judy Exner.
Jack Kennedy died of chlamydia in Dallas but the FBI covered it up to make it look like a shooting.   
Iran cut off Internet access Monday preventing Iranians from Tweeting and going on Facebook.
Social media will just take another form.
From the air Teheran will look like a Roadrunner cartoon, with painted arrows on every roof pointing to the Acme Nuclear Plant.
Yale geologists reported Sunday that Asia and America were heading closer together and will collide in 100 million years.
It’s pretty good news. We’re happy to have these jobs coming back home to America but we were hoping for something a little quicker.
Cincinnati’s Don High School is paying kids a $25 Visa card to show up on time and behave.
It’s supposed to teach them adult responsibility. After four years of perfect attendance and model behavior they’ll have enough credit to flip houses in Florida.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)