Relax. It’s not necessarily the flu making you confused and feverish. Could be spatter from that big, thick, juicy, new, improved Civil War infecting the Republican Party. Yes, again. The Rebs inside the Reds are rebooting themselves for the umpteenth time over the past few election cycles. Have to assume these self-proclaimed frugal guys purchased their huge caches of defibrillators and CPR paddles in bulk. “CLEAR!”
Change may emanate from the top, but in a blast from nearer the rump of the totem, Karl Rove announced the formation of a brand new Super PAC. It’s the first of what might be called the Super Duper PACs. And a mere foreshadow of the Holey Moley The Hell is That Super Duper PAC to be unveiled immediately following the midterms. Initial reports have the man known affectionately as Turd Blossom and Bush’s Brain calling his Frankenstein fund-raising monster the “Conservative Victory Party.”
Sounds like a natural response coming from the guy who famously threw an Election Night Hissy Fit on Fox News because Mitt Romney wasn’t being properly victorious enough. “Wait, wait, wait. No, I’m telling you, it’s not over. There’s a cul-de-sac in a suburb on the outskirts of Shaker Heights that hasn’t checked in yet. Hey, oww. Let go. My arm doesn’t bend that way.”
Rove plans to siphon big money from donors and use it to support moderates in primary elections so Republicans no longer have to enter the generals defending some bat guano-crazy candidate like Christine “I am Not a Witch” O’Donnell or Todd “Magic Fallopian Tube” Akin. Of course the Tea Party has taken great offense to this move, seeing it as incredibly counterproductive to the chances of their bat guano-crazy candidates.
So, you got those two blocs going at it. And with looming demographic flips in mind (Texas turning blue because rich white folks are not having enough babies while other folks are having plenty) there’s a move afoot to make the party more attractive to Hispanics. This undertaking has fallen into two camps: those arguing to temper policies opposing immigration reform and those favoring more cosmetic solutions like wearing sombreros.
Another rift surfaced when Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul insisted on giving a blood-thirsty unofficial response to the official State of the Union Response by the agua-thirsty Florida Sen. Marco Rubio. This, right after Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal gave a speech pleading for the GOP to stop being the “stupid party.” And the fact that he said it out loud was… well, stupid.
The GOP remains so obstinate and unwilling to give the White House even the tiniest of victories they filibustered a Cabinet appointment… from their own party. Causing Democrats, usually known for eating their own, to salivate like perched vultures watching a field of hyenas tear each other apart for the last antelope thigh.
The situation sort of resembles those old Cage Battles Royale put on by the World Wrestling Federation back in the early ‘80s. Where 15 guys got into the ring with a chair, beat each other up and last one standing wins. Maybe that’s what the GOP needs: a Hulk Hogan to pummel everyone back into place. Although that said, Karl Rove has always seemed more like the Rowdy Roddy Piper type. “CLEAR!”
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast.