HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama relayed welcome economic news from new Labor Department data on Friday. He announced the creation of one hundred and twelve thousand new jobs in America. The bad news is, they’re all vacation planners and drivers for him and his family.
The Labor Department said Friday today’s world economy requires the U.S. to have a mobile workforce. Last week a Florida teacher quit her job to become a stripper. In these tough economic times, sometimes you have to resort to making five times as much money.
Obama declared Friday that the country is successfully digging itself out of a hole. Everybody hopes so. We’ve been honoring the Chilean miners for two months hoping to get some tips from them on how to pass the time of day while we are down here.
Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg met with China officials Wednesday about expanding FB operations there. FB is the perfect way to connect in this Age of Isolation. Facebook is the only place where you can talk to a wall without everybody thinking you’re an idiot.
The U.S. Court of Appeals ruled for ABC in a censorship case Thursday. The court ruled it was legal for NYPD Blue to show a nude bottom ten years ago. It harkens back to the days when an American’s rear end could be captured on a forty-inch-screen.
GOP House Speaker John Boehner wept publicly again Wednesday just before Nancy Pelosi handed over the gavel to him. It’s expected of him now. John Boehner will serve a dual purpose in this Congress, serving as both Speaker of the House and as the Town Crier.
House Republicans voted to schedule debate on repealing the health Care reform law in Congress this week. House Democrats failed to forestall the vote. Nancy Pelosi got very angry on the House floor, even if you couldn’t tell by the expression on her face.
House Republicans vowed Friday to make good on their promise to cut government spending. Government jobs are no longer safe and secure.
Nowadays an optimist is any postal package handler in Maryland or Washington who irons five shirts on Sunday night.
Obama named Gene Sperling to head the Economic Council Friday. This was the third Clinton administration official he’d appointed in a week. Once those guys balance the budget, Obama is just three female accusers away from a sweeping reelection victory.
Chicago’s William Daley left JP Morgan Chase to become President Obama’s chief of staff Thursday. It came out that his official title at JP Morgan was vice president in charge of social responsibility.
Shareholders were so angry that the company’s been socially responsible that they sold off the stock Friday and pulled down the whole market.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)