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HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama vowed Friday to veto a government funding bill that defunds ObamaCare. We’re out of money in six days. The most embarrassing part is, by next week, our government could be shut down and Bashar al-Assad’s government could still be working.
Alabama’s Nick Saban’s agent reportedly talked to Texas about taking the Texas job next year. What a war that’d start. Oklahoma State might stop denying they provided sex for freshman recruits and start advertising that they provide sex for freshman recruits.
Miley Cyrus’s fiance broke up with her due to her number at the MTV Awards when she twerked with her tongue hanging out. To save her career, she needs a disease to overcome. We’d all have to tone down our Miley Cyrus jokes if it turns out she has epilepsy.
Grand Theft Auto’s new video game made $800 million Friday. You steal a car and begin a road trip through car crashes, shootings, boat sinkings, and burning buildings. If you play Grand Theft Auto backwards, it’s called Insurance Company.
The Powerball Lottery numbers were drawn and one person in South Carolina won the $400 million grand prize Friday. There’s more. To keep up with the changing times, the Powerball will give participation trophies to everyone who played.
Pope Francis said he’ll review priest celibacy rules and urged the church to ease up on gay issues and abortion. He added that atheists may get into heaven. With each passing day this pope sounds less like a Bishop of Rome and more like your old pot dealer.
GOP former House leader Tom DeLay’s money laundering conviction was overturned in Texas Friday. The ordeal made him a better man. He remained free on bail during four years of appeal, time which he spent in Austin crusading for laws against prison rape.
Russia’s president Vladimir Putin announced Friday he may run for a fourth term as president of Russia. He said he will listen to the people. In Russia’s last election, it’s widely believed that Vladimir Putin won over 60 percent of the vote, but who’s counting.
Chicago reported another round of shootings Friday that put the Windy City number one statistically in homicides nationally. They replaced New York as America’s murder capital. That’s surprising because New York has twice the number of NFL teams as Chicago.
Dutch health officials declared war on sugar, saying it’s highly addictive and ought to be regulated by government. It won’t happen here. Hawaii’s cane growers just offered the Democrats a fortune to get President Obama to draw a red line against the use of sugar.
Apple’s rollout for its new iPhone caused young people to line up for blocks outside Apple stores nationwide Friday, anxiously waiting for the new model. Improving its products is a company mission. Every six months Apple buries Steve Jobs in a nicer coffin.
A Fox News poll Friday said 60 percent of Americans have an unfavorable view of ObamaCare. Thirty-four percent approve. So two-thirds of Americans don’t want to answer government questions about their sex lives and then sit through the NSA’s rebuttal.
The GOP House voted to defund ObamaCare for the 40-second time Friday. The medical community is split on ObamaCare. Psychiatrists say it’s madness, surgeons have washed their hands of it, and radiologists can see right through it, while proctologists get a workplace flashback whenever they see a congressman on television talking about it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at