BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama was in New York on Wednesday to tape “The View” and welcome back Barbara Walters to the show. She rushed back from surgery to be there.
Barbara is sick of aspiring talk show hosts sneaking into the studio to audition for her job.
Obama loves to do daytime television. Next week he’s going on the “Jerry Springer Show” where old girlfriends from Kenya will accuse him of being a deadbeat dad.
Arizona hotels and resorts were reported Wednesday doing booming business this summer. The boycotts failed. Pollsters were astounded to learn that hotel guests would rather make their own beds than give illegal immigrants a pathway to citizenship.
Southern California broke out in brushfires when Santa Ana winds blew into Los Angeles and ignited dry brush Wednesday. The winds came from Arizona. It was the breeze from all the illegal immigrants making a U-turn the moment the Arizona law was stayed.
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a law Wednesday making Ronald Reagan’s birthday an official California holiday.
Republicans had to pinch themselves. It’s the first time anything in California’s been named after a white guy since Disneyland.
Democratic congressmen led by Dennis Kucinich bolted last Tuesday and voted against Afghan war funding. The anti-war left could destroy the Obama administration.
The TSA has put Jane Fonda on the no-fly list just to make sure she can’t get to Kandahar.
The Coast Guard said the oil spill is vanishing in the Gulf of Mexico because ocean microbes ate up oil faster than the oil well could spill it. The microbes cleaned up the problem. Think of the debt we could have avoided two years ago if George W. Bush had only thought of throwing subprime mortgages into the Gulf of Mexico.
Portland detectives interviewed Al Gore last week about allegations he sexually assaulted a massage therapist four years ago. She’d heard all the stories about him. She lived in terror until the lab tests came back negative for Dutch Elm Disease.
Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad launched a fertility drive Wednesday, offering Iranian families $900 for every kid they have plus $90 a month for college tuition. It’s obviously a CIA plot. U.S. sanctions have been a failure, but our welfare program’s sure to bankrupt them before they ever get a nuclear device.
Chelsea Clinton enjoyed a lavish wedding in suburban New York Saturday. The family spent $200,000 on security guards and it turned out to be a smart idea. Not once did the father of the bride get near the bridesmaids.
NASA sighted an asteroid headed for Earth in 162 years. Do the math. This means in 100 years kids can stop worrying that Social Security won’t be there for them and start worrying that they won’t be there for Social Security.
(Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.)