BEVERLY HILLS – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Los Angeles Lakers surprised the basketball world Wednesday by signing future Hall of Fame guard Steve Nash. He enjoyed the standard L.A. welcome ceremony. After passing the team physical he was given his jersey, his locker, and his choice of Kardashians.
San Diego’s July Fourth fireworks show lasted 15 seconds when the fireworks all went off at the same time. We should never put the Navy in charge of the fireworks show. It’s the new policy to shoot off everything in 15 seconds to get a quick surrender.
Swiss physicists announced they discovered the God Particle Thursday. This particle forms all atoms and generates all mass and provides for all the power in the universe. They cannot use it to power a car because God already powers the eight-cylinder Corvette.
New York’s Joey Chestnut won the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney Island on July Fourth. He ate sixty-eight hot dogs in twenty minutes. Mayor Bloomberg was on hand to arrest the winner when he ordered a twenty-ounce Pepsi to wash it down.
Olympic sprinter Michael Johnson told BBC his slave blood makes him more gifted at athletics and able to win Olympic medals. It goes both ways. Descendants of slave owners may be gifted only at the Virginia reel but it is enough to win every year on Dancing with the Stars.
The Wall Street Journal reported an improved market for job applicants Friday. It’s vital to remember that you’re always showcasing. Last week at the Orlando airport a woman was arrested for groping a TSA agent and two days later she was offered a job with the TSA.
The Weather Channel reports Washington D.C. remained boiling hot Thursday with much of the city without power or air conditioning. There’s little reason for U.S. lawmakers to return. It was so hot in the U.S. Capitol last week they had to install a fan on the debt ceiling.
Swiss coroners said Yasser Arafat was poisoned by polonium when he suddenly got sick and died in Paris eight years ago. He forgot the oldest rule in terrorism. Never lick your fingers after showing the class how to stash a radiation bomb in your underwear.
Elvis Presley’s World War II German pistol was offered for three hundred grand at auction. It could fetch a million when buyers hear its history. How many guns can say they shot Hitler in the mouth and a TV set in the presidential suite at the Las Vegas Hilton?
President Obama took a two-day bus tour of Ohio and Pennsylvania Thursday. He is riding in a bus that’s specifically made for country music stars who tour the nation. The president’s got no use for the wig stand or the secret pot compartment but they come standard.
President Obama embarked on a bus tour of the Rust Belt Wednesday on a bus made in Canada. It was selected by the Secret Service for its security features. The Secret Service can only shop for Canadian Cialis on the web for so long before the bus ads catch their eyes.
President Obama canceled his vacation to Martha’s Vineyard Friday, saying he must focus on his re-election campaign. It calls for a special counsel. If the president suffers an injury that’s preventing him from playing golf, the country has a right to know about it.
Anne Romney gave an interview to CBS Thursday where she said a woman was being actively considered as the GOP running mate. It’s possible. They want a woman who can articulate the case against Barack Obama and act as a hatchet and Hillary’s thinking it over.