Happy Friday, everybody, and God bless America.
The Treasury Department predicted record-high tax revenues for the U.S. government in the coming year. They’re expecting revenue to outpace expenditures. That’s because the Health and Human Services Department has just ruled that Obamacare doesn’t cover shrapnel or Ebola.
A Dallas hospital announced it has placed the Ebola patient under tight quarantine after he returned there with more obvious symptoms. The emergency room doctors had sent the guy home even after he said he’d been in Liberia. Who’s in charge of the hospital, the Secret Service?
Fresno County sheriffs said someone broke into a Foster Farms chicken shed on Tuesday and slaughtered a thousand chickens with a golf club. Everybody is just horrified. ISIS heard the news and realized they made a big mistake thinking they are crazier than the Anglo-Saxons.
Joan Rivers left her $150 million estate to her daughter Melissa in her will Friday. Her death was all too common in show business. After years of nose jobs, cheek implants and face lifts, the EPA couldn’t decide whether to bury her, cremate her or recycle her.
PGA caddy Steve Williams said Tuesday he’s retiring but he would caddy again for Tiger Woods if asked. What a team. Steve Williams can look at a green 200 yards away, judge the breeze and slope, and tell you if the blonde in the third row is wearing a wedding ring.
White House fence jumper Omar Gonzalez made his first appearance in Washington D.C. court on Wednesday. It may wind up being difficult to convict this guy. Should he ask the judge for a jury of his peers it won’t take a minute to find 12 fence jumpers named Gonzalez.
The Secret Service was dragged over the coals in Congress over security at the Executive Mansion Tuesday. The last breach may get them all fired. This morning an ice cream truck driver leaped over the White House fence and handed Sasha and Malia Obama unhealthy treats.
The Secret Service was ripped by Democrats and Republicans due to the hapless security in the Executive Mansion. It’s been way too lax. Secret Service chief Julia Pierson resigned Thursday, but not before she gave the Ebola patient a private tour of the White House residence.
Secret Service chief Julia Pierson sealed her fate with a stunning revelation to Congress Tuesday. She revealed that an armed ex-con got on an elevator with President Obama two weeks ago. Everyone wants to see NFL commissioner Roger Goodell talk himself out of this one.
Dallas County health officials said Texas schoolkids who were exposed to Ebola are being closely monitored. Luckily Texans are grandly courageous by instinct. Already the Democrats in Texas are dismissing Ebola as the West Texas Sniffles while Republicans call it the Obama Flu.
The U.S. signed a treaty with Afghanistan Tuesday which will allow the U.S. to maintain 10,000 U.S. and Allied troops in Afghanistan after next year’s U.S. troop withdrawal. So we were never leaving. The difference between Ebola and Obama is that Ebola has an exit strategy.
Texas Governor Rick Perry called for public calm in light of the Ebola scare in Texas this past week. Emergency measures are being taken to ensure the public safety. The Ebola scare has prompted Texans to tear down their border fence and erect a 40-foot high sneeze guard.
President Obama was on CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday and he repeated that Islam is a religion of peace despite the ISIS atrocities. He’s nothing if not soothing. President Obama repeated his assurances that ISIS is not Islamic and that if you like your head, you get to keep your head.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.