HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Chicago Bears played the San Francisco 49ers without their starting quarterbacks Monday due to concussions. It was inevitable. The New York Times that morning called for a 90 percent tax on the rich and the quarterbacks passed out cold and hit their heads on the floor.
Capitol Hill welcomed the new House Members Monday including Arizona’s Kyrsten Sinema. She’s the first openly bisexual Member. Today’s political sex scandals must be able to compete with adult movie channels for TV viewers, and twosomes no longer cut it.
New York District Attorney Mark Suben apologized Monday for telling voters he had never been a porn movie actor in the early 70s. Turns out he was. It doesn’t ruin a politician’s career to have been a porno star unless he was CIA Director at the same time.
General David Petraeus hired Washington D.C. attorney Robert Barnett to help get him a lucrative book deal. He wants to do it right this time. His mistress already wrote a biography of him but it didn’t sell very many copies because it didn’t have any sex in it.
Angelina Jolie said she hates Thanksgiving since it celebrates what the white settlers did to Indians. It’s about survival. Last night the cable went out in Los Angeles for two hours and everyone learned for themselves what America’s first settlers had to go through.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie went on NBC’s Saturday Night Live to make fun of hurricane coverage. He was clowning but you could see he was upset. The shutdown at Hostess Brands is just something in the abstract till it affects somebody you know and love.
Hostess shut down bakery plants and went into bankruptcy Monday due to a bakers’ strike. The judge ordered mediation. Eighteen thousand workers could soon be collecting unemployment and disability, which today is known as winning the lottery.
Mexican bakery Grupo Bimbo was the leading bidder to buy the Hostess brand and make Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, Cupcakes and HoHo’s. It’s about synergy. It saves in transportation costs when the marijuana and the Twinkies come from the same location.
Texas Governor Rick Perry insisted the petitions statewide for Texas to secede from the Union aren’t serious. Think it through. How many players at the skill positions will agree to play for the Dallas Cowboys if they’re famously known as the Confederacy’s Team?
President Obama toasted the end of decades-long dictatorship in Burma Sunday. It’s amazing. Just a year ago, no one could have guessed this week’s two headlines could be possible, that Burma has become a democracy and Lincoln is doing very well in theaters.
President Obama flew to Thailand Monday and visited the Temple of the Reclining Buddha. He asked monks to pray for him. President Obama was photographed with an orange-robed Buddhist monk and it looked like he was walking into Los Angeles Airport.
President Obama took questions at a White House press conference Thursday. Many reporters remarked he’d touched up his gray hair to look younger. He’s also begun talking about how much he enjoyed partying back in the Nineties, when it was the Eighties.
Israeli jets pounded Palestinian rocket bases in Gaza Monday while the Palestinians rained rockets on Israeli neighborhoods. It saves some people a lot of work. There are comedians who have five minutes of material on Mideast violence they wrote in 1973, and every night it sounds like they wrote it that day.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.