OKLAHOMA CITY – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Peyton Manning threw seven touchdown passes in the NFL season opener Thursday in a Denver win. He tied an NFL record. After the game President Obama telephoned the locker room and asked Peyton if his neck surgeon knows anything about foreign policy.
L.A. Lakers former star Lamar Odom was reportedly getting treatment for his alcohol and crack cocaine use. It’s a local program.
When his psychiatrist heard he’d married one of the Kardashian women, he wrote Lamar a prescription for the alcohol and the crack.
New York opened Fashion Week Friday with the top supermodels on display on the Armory’s catwalk. It’d be a lot of work being married to a supermodel. Before making dinner every night, you have to ask her if she would rather throw up meat loaf or spaghetti.
Lance Armstrong was ordered by a Texas judge to answer questions as to who knew about his steroid use when he made millions. It’s demoralizing. The worst thing about Lance Armstrong is that the French can tell us we told you so for the rest of recorded time.
President Obama said in Russia Friday he was encouraged by talks with other world leaders about the situation in Syria. You know it’s bad when your only supporters are the French. The best guess is, they figured we will need the help producing the white flag.
President Obama addresses Americans tonight to push his plan to attack Syria. This might be a good time to look in the mirror. Any nation that sells Dolly Madison Pink Frosted Zingers shouldn’t be lecturing anyone about using chemical weapons on its people.
Liz Cheney announced Thursday that she’s opposed to President Obama’s proposed bombing of Syria. So she’s the first neo-con Republican to oppose bombing Arabs and he’s the first liberal Democrat to propose bombing Arabs. And they say evolution is a myth.
Vladimir Putin says he has 100 pages of proof that Syrian rebels launched the chemical weapons attack on innocent people and not the Syrian Army. Vlad’s giving us a way out. If Americans were duped into war by false intelligence about weapons of mass destruction President Obama can blame it on Bush and people will agree out of habit .
President Obama made the case for a brief bombing campaign with limited targeting of chemical storage facilities in Syria. He made a campaign promise to have the most transparent administration ever. That starts with revealing our battle plans ahead of time.
John McCain held a town hall meeting in Phoenix Thursday where he kidded himself for getting caught playing poker on his iPhone during Senate hearings. He got a hearty laugh. Today a senator whose only addiction is gambling is considered to be a moral giant.
New York mayor candidate Anthony Weiner got in a shouting match with a deli owner over his repeated sexual misbehavior. His support is now down to seven percent. Anthony Weiner has hit rock bottom so many times environmentalists are accusing him of fracking.
The NFL decided to open this year’s football season on Thursday which was the widely-observed Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashana. It was a risky move. It meant that every NFL player in Thursday’s game had to start the season without their defense lawyers.
Princess Diana was selected by Americans in a Vanity Fair poll as the dead celebrity they’d most like to bring back to life. She was the first celebrity to figure out you should leave $10,000 a month to a public relations firm in your will. Eventually your kids are going to stop mentioning your name in public and distributing your photos.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.