HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NBC announced it will produce a miniseries about the life of Hillary Clinton starring the beautiful Diane Lane as Hillary. The casting raised a few eyebrows. Diane Lane is such a glamorous upgrade that Bill Clinton just volunteered to play himself in the movie.
MLB Hall of Fame veterans expressed fury over steroid-era ballplayers who ruined baseball records last decade. No one can say we weren’t warned. Jose Canseco could run for president on the platform that he’s the only man in America who’s never lied to us.
Discovery Channel announced it will air ten hours of new shark programming for its annual Shark Week on Monday. The ratings are always huge. It’s great TV for people who either have a genuine fascination for sharks or possess a psychopathic hatred for seals.
Pope Francis preached to three million people at Copacabana Beach in Rio de Janeiro Sunday. It’s a topless beach that’s famous for drinking, dancing, drugs and casual sex. There are usually four million people at Copacabana Beach on Sunday, but word travels fast.
Joe Biden wandered off script during his televised speech in India Friday. He started talking about a distant ancestor who helped govern India for England. U.S. politicians love giving speeches in India because if the teleprompter breaks, tech support is just a local call.
The Lincoln Memorial was struck by vandals Friday who tip-toed into the monument foyer and threw green paint all over the statue. It’s unfathomable. You would think that after their last slip-up, the Secret Service would start guarding Lincoln a bit more carefully.
Huntington Beach visitors rioted Sunday after the city hosted the U.S. Surfing Open. Cops filled the air with rubber bullets, rioters set fire to roofs, and helicopters hovered in the sky. The city’s huge Vietnamese population just assumed it was Lyndon Johnson’s birthday.
San Diego Mayor Bob Filner refused to step down on Monday after he agreed to go to sex rehab for two weeks for groping nine women. This is a great country. In Saudi Arabia the nine women would have to go to sex rehab for exposing skin below their elbows.
Saudi Prince Alawed bin Talal warned that soaring U.S. oil drilling threatens Saudi oil profits. U.S. oil imports are at a low and U.S. oil exports are up. People who used to accuse Barack Obama of being a Muslim never thought it might make him a natural oil sheik as well.
The Ritz Carlton in Cannes was hit by burglars Sunday who stole $53 million in diamonds from the hotel’s safe. Jet-setters have to keep their jewelry in a hotel safe whenever they stay in Cannes. These people have no idea who they’re going to be sleeping with that night, and it’s too uncomfortable to keep the diamonds in the pillow.
PGA star Hunter Mahan was the second-round leader in the Canadian Open when he left the course to attend his baby’s birth in Dallas and gave up the million-dollar prize. He’s not as stupid as he sounds. The taxes in Canada are so high that by not winning a million dollars up there and winding up in Texas, he came out a hundred thousand dollars ahead.
President Obama held a meeting with his cabinet at Camp David last weekend. They kicked around new tax-raising ideas in the next House budget negotiations. There was once a time when a fool and his money were soon parted but now it happens to everybody.
Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager quit the New York mayor’s race Monday after Weiner admitted to more lewd online exchanges. He’s embarrassed himself, his wife and the Democratic Party. For his next trick he’s going to run for president as the Jew from Hope.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.